Mistakes as teachers

The greatest mistake a man can ever make is to be afraid of making one.

Elbert Hubbard

You expand your capacities by doing. Think of your ability as a point; that dot can only expand outward toward your potential if you do something new or do more. Staying in your comfort zone keeps you from growing as a person. Experience develops you because you grow by first acting, then learning from your mistakes, and improving through trial and error. 

The most regrettable thing is an intelligence that is afraid of being tested because it doubts itself, or holds high expectations of its owns capacities and despairs of perfection. Such a mind will resist learning and growth for fear of making the very mistakes that will grow it. Children can make mistakes without feeling embarrassed by them but that gets socialised out of them by adolescence.

Your intelligence is no use to you if you are afraid of testing it against the very challenges it would assist you in overcoming. To learn anything, to develop a capacity or expand an ability, you must risk seeming foolish. To grow into your potential as a person, you have to be comfortable with appearing ridiculous because that’s how you will seem to the people who see you making mistakes. 

Making mistakes is necessary because mistakes themselves are apt to teach you lessons. If it is true that you don’t know French this will be apparent when you attempt to speak it because you will make a catalogue of errors. Assuming you learn from them, the more mistakes you make the closer you’ll get to fluency. All your mistakes do is reorient you with respect to where you stand in your journey to fluency. They tell you exactly what needs work and what needs to change if you are to make progress toward your destination. Consequently, it would be counterproductive to shy away from making mistakes. Rather we must seek them out because they hold within them an opportunity for learning that we would do well to heed and take advantage of in pursuit of our goal.

Taking self-development seriously requires that you cease caring about impressing others. Often doing the thing that will help you to improve will make you seem ridiculous. To learn you have to be willing to make a fool of yourself, to go through a process of trial and error, correcting your mistakes as you improve. No one’s approval should matter more to you than your own personal growth. Don’t let a concern for the impression you are making get in the way of your progress. You lose everything in seeking to gain the esteem of others, they have already sacrificed their futures for acceptance.

How to be More Productive

Most of us struggle to be productive or feel like we could be doing more with our time. Getting things done is at the forefront of our minds and yet keeping busy all day still leaves us feeling we could use our time better. However, this is a flawed way of thinking about productivity. Time management and productivity are conflated. It’s not about managing time. Yet many fall into the time management trap, where the more focused you are on managing time the harder it is to control. Managing time is impossible so escaping the trap requires that we look for alternative ways of managing our productivity. Our focus shouldn’t be on time but on managing the things that are within our control. To improve productivity you don’t need time management. You need to manage your choices, attention, energy, attitude, habits, knowledge, emotions and yourself. Managing the first five is necessary but not sufficient for productivity. That is, it is possible to be productive without struggling against yourself, but often you will have to overcome your desires (to procrastinate or be lazy) to move toward achieving your goals.

How to Increase Productivity
8 things that need to be managed:
1) Choice management – making the right choices given our goals and self-knowledge
2) Attention management – directing your attention toward your chosen activity 
3) Energy management – managing energy levels so you can undertake your activity efficiently 
4) Attitude management – holding the right attitude toward carrying out your task 
5) Habit management – developing the habits that will keep you consistent in the long run 
6) Knowledge management – keep all of your knowledge organised and ready to hand so you can leverage what you know to achieve your goals
7) Emotion management – keeping control of your emotions is essential to getting things done (anxiety can prevent us starting)
8) Self-management – applying enough self-control to actually do what you need to do when wanting to do it isn’t enough (when perfectionism/procrastination get in the way)

Our time is not something that it is possible to manage if by that we mean that we should be in charge of it. We all have the same number of hours in a day and, given our commitments, our time is not always completely in our control. The only thing we can do is manage how we work within the time we have left over. That is, when we talk of ‘managing’ time we mean using it sensibly, given what we want to achieve. To work effectively within the time we have and be productive when it comes to our overarching goals it is necessary for us to make the right choices, pay attention to our chosen activity, have enough energy to undertake it, show the right attitude, develop the habits that keep us consistent in moving toward our goals, organise our knowledge in such a way that we can leverage what we have learnt to achieve them, overcome emotions that prevent us from working and apply enough self-control to do what we need to do when we don’t want to. Until we manage all these things it will always seem to us that our time is running away even if we are keeping busy and working all day, because we will nevertheless fail to be productive if we don’t manage these things. It’s not that we don’t have enough time, or even that we don’t use it, it’s that we fail to use it well on account of our mistakes in these areas. We struggle to use our time for the activities we want to use it for because of a mismanagement of these other things.

Managing our choices, attention, energy, attitude, habits, knowledge, emotions and ourselves will allow us to use our time more productively than if we tried to do the same activity without having considered how well adjusted we are in each domain. For, if we don’t manage these things, our time is wasted on us because we won’t be disposed toward using it well until we get these others things in check. Managing these things is a precondition of ‘using’ our time well. To the extent that we fail to we are necessarily less productive than we could be. In their absence we can’t get anything done. It seems to me that saying that we need to ‘manage’ our time is a misnomer because time itself is beyond management. We can categorise it into minutes, hours and days but that doesn’t change its fundamental nature. We have no control over the fact of times passage so we cannot be in charge of it. However, we can reorient ourselves by focusing on using our time well by managing other things that are within our control. Comporting ourselves toward managing these will help us to do whatever it is that we want to do much more effectively. In managing all these things we make it the case that we will use our time well, assuming we are right that the goal we are pursuing is appropriate to us given our self-knowledge. ‘Time Management’ gives us the wrong idea, we have to manage other things before it becomes possible for us to ‘use’ the time we have well. Time is just the space in which all our work happens to get done so we come to see it as valuable in itself, when what matters crucially is what we do in that time, not time itself. All that counts is whether we use our abilities and capacities to achieve our goals.

If we say that we used our time well we mean that, in a certain period of time, we did something that we found meaningful. The time itself isn’t being managed, our choices are leading to actions and behaviours and consequently, results, that we deem meaningful. If we say we wasted our time by relaxing all we mean is that our actions and behaviour in that time period were incongruous with our self-chosen goals. In both cases, our choice management is relevant, we manage it well in the former case but mismanage it in the latter case. Someone else who did exactly what we did might not think they wasted their time if they chose to relax. Whether or not time is used well or wasted turns on what the person wants to use that time for, so in reality it comes down to something else like our choices. Time is ‘wasted’ if we regret our choice. To regret is to prefer to have chosen otherwise. If our choice is right for us we will not regret it and our time will have been ‘used’ well.

Comparisons are drawn between time and money and what it is spent on is only productive insofar as it is an activity that an individual values. In either case, whether we talk of money or time, what it is spent toward determines whether it has been used well. It is not money or time that has subjective value, but the things and activities we use them on. Money has objective value in a society to the extent that it is the currency needed to buy necessities. Time seemingly has objective value in that the temporal dimension is the dimension of spacetime across which we live our lives and pursue our goals. People will always have time in which to pursue their goals, you start with a lifetime and lose time as you go along, but not everyone starts with money and has some left over to waste. Hence, while not spending money is saving, not spending time is ‘wasting’ it. That is, we can possess the former physically and amass it but we cannot try to hold onto the latter without it eluding us and drifting further away. The more strongly we try to hold onto time, the less we use it and the more we ‘waste’ it because the things we spend our time doing are what ‘use’ it up. Moreover, we feel that we have ‘wasted’ time when we use it as well. The more engaged we are in something the quicker our perception of time’s passage. That is, the more focused we are on something the faster time will seem to waste away. Yet this is illusory. After all, even while we are being productive it can feel like time management is beyond us because time is not something we can grip.

Time is a concept rather than an object like money. We might set aside a certain amount of time, say an hour, to get a certain amount of work done but if we fail to complete it we feel we have ‘mismanaged’ our time when really we had failed to manage something else like our attention (by getting distracted), energy (if we are tired), attitude (if we are unmotivated) or ourselves (if we lack the self-control necessary to complete our task). Time itself cannot be wasted but our abilities and potential can be wasted if these things aren’t managed and failing to act and pursue our goals across the temporal dimension would still qualify as ‘wasting time’ because our lifetime is constituted by an indeterminate amount of time. Even though someone else may do the same thing and not feel they misused time we would feel we have wasted our lives if we did not develop our abilities and grow into our potential by choosing the activities most important to us and pursuing them across our lives. Practicing what we love will improve our work and make us more ‘talented’ at that activity, whatever it may be. The goal then is not to think about how to spend time most wisely, but simply to fill our days with productive work directed at our ultimate goals. 

Time slips through our fingers

Time itself is intangible, impossible to grasp, it is not an object but a concept and in reaching for it we find that it will always elude physical reality. What is objectively real and therefore amenable to change or use/misuse, is our ability and potential, our capacity to achieve things that we choose to do. Whether or not our actions move us toward our goals does not tell us how well we are using time, it only tells us how successful our actions are in helping us to achieve them within the temporal dimension, which we cannot escape. That everything happens across time does not mean that time itself is being spent or wasted by us, we do not possess it. When we say we have time, that is as meaningful as saying we have space. Space and time do not belong to us, we just happen to exist in spacetime. All we own is ourselves and all we have control over is what we do so, given that we cannot choose how much time we have over our lifetime to do what we want to do, all that remains in our volition is the ability to choose how we behave and act in relation to our goals. Therefore, we should focus on the things in ourselves that we can and need to manage rather than time, which cannot itself be managed. The intangible is beyond management. You can’t hold onto time anymore than you can hold onto space. You can, however, manage yourself.

Eternal Recurrence

Nietzsche posited the eternal recurrence, the idea that our life will come back to us exactly as it was for eternity, as a kind of thought experiment:

“The greatest weight.– What, if some day or night a demon were to steal after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you: “This life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more; and there will be nothing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything unutterably small or great in your life will have to return to you, all in the same succession and sequence – even this spider and this moonlight between the trees, and even this moment and I myself. The eternal hourglass of existence is turned upside down again and again, and you with it, speck of dust!”
Would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus?… Or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?”

The demon comes to us in our ‘loneliest loneliness’, at a time when we are defenceless against being overpowered by the thought. The answers we give to its questions, if we reply honestly, reveal our attitude toward the lives that we lead. If thinking about our lives as our eternity makes us afraid then we are wasting them. Of course, each of us has regrets, has made mistakes that we would undo if given the chance. Yet, if our life as a whole seems empty then it falls on us to make the decisions that would correct this, in order to be able to affirm it if it came back to us exactly as it was down to the smallest detail. The challenge then is to live in such a way that you could smile at this prospect.

By severing our ties to a life other than this one across eternity Nietzsche asks us to think hard on the choices we make in our personal infinity. If there is no afterlife and the heaven and hell of the idealist pale in comparison to this life, the only reality, then all that is left to us is to focus our attention on it and live it as well as possible in view of the fact that it is all there ever will be. Thinking of the eternal recurrence prevents us from imagining that we can be saved from this life to find redemption in the next.

Considering the thought encourages us to take decisions and act in such a way that we could desire the eternal return of what we are about to do. The greatest weight is placed on our actions because whatever choice we elect to take forms part of our personal infinity. The aim of the thought experiment is then to overcome the life-denying attitude of the idealist to encourage us to affirm this life. If it is all there is then there can be no excuses for failing to live it fully, one stands to lose everything if they look beyond it.

To avoid being crushed by the thought we must change so we can bear our fate, by becoming so well disposed to ourselves and our life that we want nothing other than its eternal recurrence. The ideal is to become the kind of person who would consider the demon’s message divine. This means resting the weight of eternity on each of our actions in order to make certain that what we are about to do can be affirmed eternally. The effect of the thought of eternal recurrence depends on it overpowering us and exercising mastery over our lives. If it takes root and has personal significance it holds the transformational power to make a life-changing impact insofar as it challenges us to create a life that we wish to repeat eternally.

The Need for More

It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, that is poor

The Consumer

Many of us buy into the idea that the richer we become and the more things we can get, the happier we will be. Yet, everytime we finally get a hold of that one thing which we were certain would change our life, once it is no longer new, it falls down in our estimation to become just like all our other possessions. What seemed so enticing to us, what we were certain we could not live without, loses its pull the moment it comes into our hands. For a while we may cherish it but there will inevitably come a time when it no longer attracts us, and another thing we don’t have will catch our eye. This cycle repeats incessantly so that each time we gratify our desire, soon another will take its place. Until we can escape the need for more we will never be satisfied, because what we own will never be enough.

In the west, in our consumerist culture, this chronic dissatisfaction usually lasts a lifetime. Few even recognise the trick they play on themselves, and those that do rarely overcome their own addiction to buying what they have no need of. The fact is that it feels good when they get themselves what they covet, it is only much later that what they had their eye on becomes just another thing they possess, at which point they will seek yet another object to lust after. In this way, most of us continue to purchase the things we assume will make us happy, and never learn to be satisfied with what is ours now. In our society it seems that being grateful is a sin, for each day we are reminded by the media that the thing we don’t have is the very thing we need. These messages convince us that our happiness is to be found in material things, especially the ones that we don’t own, so that we feel compelled to go after them in order to fill our lack.

Nevertheless, it does not matter what we get, however valuable it might be. If we rely on getting more things to feel happy sustaining this feeling will mean there will always be one more thing that we need to get. As much as we try to convince ourselves that it will be the last time we spend carelessly, that it is the only thing we need, this habit of buying will continue because there will never come a point at which we will be satisfied. That was denied us the moment we failed to be satisfied with what we have now, because until we learn to be, there will always be one more thing that we ‘need’ and the project will go on to infinity.

How many times do you recall being truly satisfied with what you have, not wanting more? Until we no longer need more to feel better about ourselves and our lives, there can never be happiness without constant spending. Only by being content with our lot, whatever it may be, can we begin to be rich in possessions. Indeed, it can be argued that wealth is a relative notion, that depends on how satisfied a person is with what they own. That is, the rich man would be the one who is satisfied with his possessions, who feels he has more than enough to be happy. Having a great deal of money and assets relative to our needs would then be enough to be wealthy. The poor man would be the one who is dissatisfied with his lot, who feels he needs more to be happy. Generally, someone is poor if they do not have enough to live comfortably in society. But this depends on their own view of their situation such that even if they have little, but can live on it and remain satisfied, they are happier with their situation than some ‘rich’ people that feel they need a bigger house to find happiness. Of course, this means that to be rich is to be satisfied with what you have, while to be poor is to crave more such that whatever our physical wealth might be, until we overcome the need for more we remain beggars.


Truth is a pathless land. You have your way and I have mine – as for the correct way, it does not exist. The way of life we choose is our own affair and there is no objective duty to which it must tend. There is no fundamental meaning which we can all live by; truth is a lie, an illusion each prophet claims to possess. We look to them for answers they cannot give – the truth we affirm must be uniquely our own. Until we realise that no one is coming to save us, that this life is our own to shape, we will continue to look outside of ourselves for redemption. However, it is our responsibility to create our own meaning, to find our own truth so that this life can be experienced fully on our terms. Everything is within, there is nothing outside of us that could give us purpose. Thinking for oneself is the only way to discover our reason for living.

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

If self-esteem is the health of the mind there are few topics of comparable urgency. The chaos of our times demands strong selves with a clear sense of identity, competence and worth. The stability that is absent in society must be found in our own persons. To face life with low self-esteem is a severe disadvantage. Of all the judgements that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves. Consequently, it is the single most important psychological subject in the world.

The factors that influence and sustain it must be considered so that we pay attention to both the internal ideas and behaviours of an individual alongside the influence of the environment. Human beings cannot achieve their potential without healthy self-esteem. It is a powerful human need, essential to healthy adaptiveness, that is, to optimal functioning and self-fulfilment. To the extent that the need is frustrated we are held back in our development.

It is therefore dangerous to think that it can be easily built, that there are quick fixes, as this will lead to superficial progress, if any, because we need to put effort into raising it. Conversely, it is not the case that the level of self-esteem you have as an adult cannot be changed. In fact, the opposite is true, we underestimate our power to change and grow. If we make higher self-esteem our goal and take responsibility for our lives, we can go far. In order to realise what is possible we must answer a call to action and recognise that a self is to be actualised, not renounced, that participating actively in the process of our evolution will allow us to fulfil our potentialities.

Self-Esteem: Basic Principles

Self-Esteem: The Immune System of Consciousness

Self-esteem is a fundamental human need so the importance of working on it cannot be understated, we cannot be indifferent to our relationship with ourselves. It works its way within us with or without our knowledge so we must take action to improve it. Self-esteem is the experience that we are appropriate to life and its requirements. It is confidence in our ability to think, to cope with the challenges of life, and in our right to be happy and successful, to feel worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values and enjoy the rewards of our efforts.  It is not a gift that can be laid claim to, rather its possession over time is an achievement, the result of a practice kept day after day. To trust one’s mind and know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem. This is more than a judgement or feeling, it is a motivator, it inspires behaviour. In turn, it is also affected by how we act such that causation flows both ways. Our actions in the world influence our self-esteem which influences how we act.

Once we trust our mind and judgment, we can become more aware and work through our problems effectively by exercising the ability to think. Seeing that our life is better when we do so encourages us to continue trusting our mind. Conversely if we fail to we will become mentally passive, less persistent, so that we come to feel justified in distrusting our mind. With high-self-esteem I am more likely to persist in the face of difficulty whereas without it I will go through the motions. In this way, my view of myself will be reinforced either way because when I persevere, I am more likely to succeed than when I give up, such that whether we trust our minds or fail to we will find reasons to carry on doing so. If we respect ourselves and act in a way that shows this people will be likely to treat us as at our self-estimate so that we feel our initial belief was correct. If we lack self-respect we give others cause to follow suit, so that whatever we believe is true of ourselves is how they take us to be. The value of self-esteem lies in the fact that it allows us to feel and live better, to respond to challenges and opportunities more appropriately.

The level of our self-esteem has profound consequences for every aspect of our existence. A healthy self-esteem is positively correlated with traits that help us to achieve our goals and attain personal happiness such as rationality, realism and independence. Those with low-self-esteem are afraid of change, fear the new and are defensive. Adaptiveness and personal fulfilment are features of a healthy self-esteem, which is life supporting and enhancing. With it we seek the challenge of worthwhile goals whose achievement nurtures it further. On the other hand, without it we seek the safety of the familiar and undemanding so that it weakens.

The better our self-esteem the more equipped we are to cope with troubles in our lives, the quicker we are to pick ourselves up and begin anew. We become more ambitious and want to experience more in life, to express ourselves honestly, so that we are more open in communication because we believe our thoughts have value. The lower our self-esteem the less we aspire to and achieve, the more urgent the need to ‘prove’ ourselves, to fear clarity. We form more nourishing relationships because we do not expect rejection, humiliation or betrayal from encounters when we have a well-developed sense of personal value. It is likely that we will attract people with similar self-esteem. Unsurprisingly, self-esteem is one of the best predictors of personal happiness.


If we see ourselves as lovable we act in ways that will help us to have intimate relationships and appreciate other people for who they are. If we lack self-respect and enjoyment of who we are we have little to give to others. There is no greater barrier to romantic happiness than the fear that you are undeserving of love and deserve to be hurt. If our self-concept affirms this, we will find reasons why we are not lovable even if the facts point the other way. All we can give in relationships in that case is our unfulfilled needs, so that we tend to see others as sources of approval or disapproval rather than people to enjoy the adventure of life with.

If someone does love us we question why because it conflicts with our self-concept. If we do not accept ourselves, how can we accept another’s love for us. Since we ‘know’ that we are not worthy of love we become confused and see the feelings others have as unreliable or short-lived. In our insecurity we find ways to confirm our self-concept by taking issue with trivial things, self-sabotaging so that when the relationship fizzles out we can be sure that we were right. Our ‘knowledge’ is correct so it is the facts that need to be changed. In this way, there is a self-fulfilling prophecy that keeps us from finding love if we feel we have no right to it.

If we feel it is our fate to be unhappy our ‘knowledge’ of this tells us that reality should prove us right. When it does not we feel anxious because that is not how things are meant to be, so we find ways to make it adjust to how we imagined it. The possibility of happiness presently is too terrifyingly immediate, it is not ours to claim. Happiness anxiety is common, many feel like they are undeserving of it because of how they see themselves. Paradoxically, what is required of us is the courage to tolerate happiness without self-sabotaging as when we do we will realise that it is not to be feared, will not destroy us and may not even disappear. Only when we engage the destructive voices in inner dialogue, challenging their reasoning so that we can refute their nonsense, will we come to separate them from our self.


At times where we expect to be evaluated we may self-destruct before others get a chance to. Imposter syndrome makes us feel as if we are inept so that we act in ways that will elicit the condemnation we fear. If our illusion of self-esteem rests on the fragile support of never being challenged, if our insecurity finds signs of rejection where no rejection exists, we begin to self-destruct. Intelligence is no protection, brilliant people with low self-esteem act against their interests every day.  When we doubt our minds, we discount its products and are not intellectually self-assertive because we associate it with a loss of love or disapproval if others disagree. Consequently, we mute our intelligence and dread being visible in case of conflict, but if we become invisible we will suffer more for not being seen.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

The expectations we have about life usually become true because we can only achieve what we think is appropriate to us. These generate the actions that bring them into reality so that whether or not we feel something is possible we act accordingly. In this way, self-fulfilling prophecies occur and our original belief becomes stronger because we acted in a way that justified it. In fact, our implicit assumptions about our future powerfully affect motivation so that they are even better indicators of success than what has happened to us in the past. If we believe that learning is possible for us, that our lives can become fulfilling, that our relationships will bring us happiness, these things become appropriate to us.

Self-concept is destiny. It is who we think we are, our physical and psychological traits, strengths and weaknesses as well as possibilities and limitations. The behaviour of any person cannot be understood without appealing to it. If a person’s self-concept does not admit a certain level of success and they do not change it so that it can accommodate what they are now experiencing they will inevitably self-sabotage because they do not regard their present situation as something appropriate to them. Poor self-esteem places us in an adversarial relationship to our wellbeing so that when life goes well in ways that conflict with our deepest views of ourselves, we engage in self-destructive behaviour.

Self-Esteem as a Basic Need

The power of self-esteem derives from the fact that it is a profound need, that it is essential for effective functioning. Lacking it, we are impaired in our ability to function. Self-esteem is a need insofar as it has survival value, makes an essential contribution to life and is indispensable to healthy development. Its absence is dramatically expressed in needlessly reckless behaviour, drug overdoses or attempts at suicide. More commonly it is subtler and we feel that the dreams we once had no longer seem achievable, that our success feels uncharacteristic, while our living habits are unhealthy. Without positive self-esteem we lack the resilience to overcome the adversities of life and carry on. The desire to avoid pain becomes more important than experiencing joy, negatives have more power over us than positives. If we do not believe in ourselves we begin to see the universe as a frightening place.

Self-esteem is the immune system of consciousness, providing resistance, strength and a capacity for regeneration. In the same way that a healthy immune system does not prevent illness but helps us to recover quicker so too a healthy self-esteem allows us to heal from the events of life. To be sure, people with healthy self-esteem will still be met by troubles that will knock them down, they may even get anxiety or depression, but they are quicker to pick themselves up again. Resilience rather than imperviousness to suffering is the consequence of positive self-esteem.

Too much Self-Esteem?

There is no such thing as too much self-esteem, those who seem arrogant usually lack it alongside those who hold this to be true. A healthy self-esteem means that a person delights in their own existence, finds joy in being this person that they are, not in being better than someone. There is no comparison, only true self-expression.

Not Being ‘Enough’

It is possible to achieve much with a poor self-esteem insofar as we have the talent, drive and energy to do so in spite of feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. However, we will not be nearly as effective as we could be and our accomplishments would be undercut. If they are not, then our capacity for satisfaction will be so that a feeling that we will never be enough remains even if our successes far outnumber our failures. This is because If I aim to prove I am enough the project goes on to infinity because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debateable. It will always be one more victory or sexual conquest, but the void within remains unfilled. When we have unconflicted self-esteem joy is our motor, not fear, we wish to experience happiness, not avoid suffering. Self-expression wins over justifying and avoiding who we are so that our motive is not to prove our worth but to live our possibilities.

Challenges of the Modern World

It has become increasingly important to have a strong self-esteem in the secular age. As well as being an important psychological need it has also become an important economic need. Insofar as we have to think for ourselves about our way of life, the ideas that will guide it and the lifestyle our philosophy encourages. We are freer than any generation before us to choose the good life. No one is coming to rescue us, we are thrown on our own resources. There are more choices than ever before, everywhere we look there are limitless possibilities such that in order to adapt we must be autonomous, make our own decisions. We need to know who we are and be centred within ourselves so that we have no need for alien values, for goals that do not fulfil us. We must learn to think for ourselves, cultivate our own resources, taking full responsibility for the actions, values and choices that shape our lives.

Trusting and relying on ourselves is essential today because the amount of choice offered to us can be disorientating if we are not grounded as the people we are. The greater the number of choices and decisions we need to make at a conscious level, the more urgent the need for self-esteem. Otherwise, we may seek answers from others claiming to hold the truth, when they could not possibly give it to us. To stay true to ourselves in these times often means standing alone while society tries to influence us to conform. That there are as many options and challenges in the world today as there are is why the issue of self-esteem has become so urgent.

The Meaning of Self-Esteem

Self-esteem has two interrelated components: Self-efficacy and Self-respect. Self-efficacy means confidence in my ability to think and understand, to make decisions and face the challenges of life. It is self-reliance, I trust that my own mind will help me navigate reality. Experiencing it gives us a sense of control over ourselves so that we feel centred regardless of what is going on around us because we are certain that our resources will help us whatever happens. Self-respect is assurance of my value, the belief that I am worthy of happiness. I therefore feel comfortable putting my thoughts, needs and wants out there because I feel fulfilment is my natural birth right. Experiencing it gives us a benevolent outlook such that we can interact with others and create meaningful relationships without feeling that we need to forego our independence in order to share mutual regard.

Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness. This is what our self-evaluation concerns and consists of. To have high self-esteem is to feel confidently appropriate to life. That is, competent and worthy in the above sense.

The Root of our Need for Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a human need because we evolved to rely on our capacity to think in order to survive. We therefore have a responsibility to use this consciousness in order to better adapt to the demands of life. Our mind and reason are essential because they allow us to make the decisions that we do, they are what our lives depend on. The problem is that we do not think automatically, we have to choose to and, failing to, we dim our awareness and restrict our freedom. Only by expanding our awareness can we make the appropriate decisions in our lives and raise our self-esteem. This is obvious enough, the choices that we make as to whether to expand or lower our awareness will have consequences for how we view our competence to cope with life’s challenges or our sense of worthiness. Allowing ourselves to think, we divine a solution based on our knowledge. Conversely, avoiding the issue we shrink back and lose control, feeling less effective. Our self-assessment cannot be divorced from our behaviour. The times at which our self-esteem goes up or down will usually be explainable in terms of how much awareness we decided to bring to the choice we make, whether we trust our mind, take into account our intuition or assert our needs.


Self-efficacy is about having confidence in our ability to think for ourselves, so that we trust that the choices we make will be right for us. This is not to say that we are beyond error but that we will be more likely to persevere in the quest to understand even in the face of difficulties, never to give in to helplessness, to stand firmly on our own feet. In the information age learning has become more important than ever and the people who trust their own minds, who will make mistakes and learn from them, are the ones who will be secure in their prospects. Those willing to persist and correct their errors will gain knowledge because they will master new skills and challenges. If we trust in our processes, in our minds, we expect success from our efforts. Efficacy is especially important in our relationships; we need to raise our consciousness in order to build them. Otherwise we lack competence in arguably the most vital sphere for a person.


Self-respect involves the expectation of friendship, love and happiness. These are natural to us because of who we are and what we do. It is then a conviction of our own value. We see our lives as worth nurturing, that we are deserving of the respect of others, that our personal fulfilment and happiness are important to work for.

Living successfully means achieving our goals and we can only do this if wee act appropriately. However, if we do not feel that we are worthy of the rewards of such action, that our value means we should not be the recipients, we would be unable to take care of ourselves, satisfy our need or enjoy our success. Unless we feel that we are right as a person we will not feel that we deserve success or happiness. In order to increase our self-respect we need to act in ways that will cause it to rise, this means a commitment to seeing our value, which will result in congruent behaviour. It has a root in satisfaction with our mental processes, more specifically, our moral choices. Each of us has a standard that we judge ourselves by, whether consciously or subconsciously, so that to the extent that we fail to satisfy it self-respect suffers. Consequently, personal integrity is important insofar as championing our values and ideals consistently leads to self-respect, to trusting and admiring ourselves.


Pride is the emotional reward of achievement, not a vice to be overcome, but a value to be attained. Where self- esteem says ‘I can’, pride says ‘I did’, it is then something to be enjoyed should our achievements result in it. Nevertheless, many find that no matter how successful they are they feel no pride, no sense of attainment. In many cases, this is because the goals they chose or the career path they took were not their own idea. Self-esteem cannot be supported by pursuing what does not reflect who we are. It takes courage to live by our own mind and judgement. Self- esteem is a summons to the hero within us.

The Face of Self-Esteem

Self-esteem expresses itself in a way of living that projects the pleasure one feels at being alive. Relaxation implies that we are not hiding from ourselves or at war with who we are. Chronic tension suggests an internal split, a self-avoidance that means we disown parts of ourselves.

Self-esteem in action

When all of the following are present in an individual self-esteem seems certain.


Rationality is the integrative function of consciousness. That is, it is the generation of principles based on facts (induction) and the application of principles to facts (deduction). It pursues an understanding of the relationship between these, it is based on a respect for facts. What seems ‘reasonable’ for others will, if in opposition to the facts, be rejected if we are rational. If we are in a friendly relationship to facts we will talk honestly about our accomplishments and shortcomings. A commitment to rationality also allows us to live consciously.


High-self-esteem is intrinsically reality-oriented, it affirms the facts of the matter so that what is, is and what is not, is not. One cannot cope with the challenges of life if they fail to distinguish between the real and unreal, between what is true and what they would like to be true. A respect for facts allows us to assess our abilities realistically and gain accurate knowledge of ourselves in the present.


Intuition is significant for self-esteem insofar as it represents high sensitivity to internal signals. A mind that has learned to trust itself is more likely to rely on this process, which can be linked to self-acceptance.


Those with healthy self-esteem value the productions of their own mind. They are self-sufficient in that they look to themselves for answers, rather than to others. They are likely to note their thoughts down because they see them as valuable, are certain that what they have to say is important. They may learn and be inspired by others, but they value their own thoughts and insights more than the average person does.


A practice of thinking for oneself is both a cause and a consequence of high self-esteem. The practice of taking full responsibility for our lives, for achieving our goals and attaining happiness, naturally follow from it and lead to it.


A mind that trusts itself is light on its feet. If we lack self-trust we will be likely to cling to the past when faced by new circumstances. Rigidity is often the response of a mind that does not trust itself to cope with the unfamiliar, whereas flexibility is a natural corollary of self-esteem because we respond quickly to novelty insofar as our eyes are open to seeing and not caught up in attachment to the past.

Able to manage change

Self-esteem does not find change frightening; it flows with reality while self-doubt fights it, speeds up reaction time while the latter slows it. The ability to manage change is then correlated with good reality orientation.

Willingness to admit mistakes

Insofar as self-esteem means a strong reality-orientation facts are a higher priority than beliefs, truth has more value than being right. Consciousness is more desirable than protective unconsciousness. That is, if we trust ourselves and respect reality then admitting and correcting an error is more important than pretending never to have made one. There would be no shame in making a mistake and saying that we were wrong. Denial and defensiveness derive from insecurity and feelings of inadequacy. Our self-esteem cannot be tied to an image of ‘being perfect’.

Benevolence and Cooperativeness

My relationship to others tends to mirror and reflect my relationship to myself. If I feel centred within myself, secure with my boundaries, confident in my ability to assert my needs, benevolence toward others will naturally result. I will come with a spirit of cooperation rather than doubt. Secure in my right to exist, unthreatened by certainty in others, I will cooperate with them to achieve shared goals insofar as this is to my self-interest.

The Illusion of Self-Esteem

If self-esteem is underdeveloped we are manipulated by fear so that avoiding pain becomes more important than experiencing joy. We might fear failure and feel helpless in the face of problems or fear facts about ourselves, that the unworthy aspects of our character might be exposed. Reality becomes the enemy of our self-esteem.  These fears tend to sabotage the efficacy of our consciousness, worsening the initial problem. Our minds will only struggle for what we think is possible for us. Self-esteem affects our emotional incentives so that our feelings influence whether we think for ourselves and move toward efficacy. This is why the first steps of building self-esteem are difficult. We are challenged to raise the level of our consciousness in the face of emotional resistance. The idea that our unconsciousness makes life bearable must be overcome if there is to be any growth.

If we become prisoners of a negative self-image we allow it to dictate our actions. Defining ourselves as unworthy leads to a performance that takes this into account. To be sure, we can act differently on occasion but for the most part there is a resignation to our own state. Submitting to these feelings means that we no longer have to take risks or awaken from our passivity.

Poor self-esteem then not only inhibits thoughts but distorts them so that the most logical explanation is ignored in favour of the most damaging one that reinforces our negative self-image. Fear motivates it so that we aim to escape the terror of life, to seek safety, rather than to live. It leads us to avoid challenges and dread the unknown while high self-esteem thrives on them and seeks new frontiers. The health of the mind can be characterised by the basic principle of motivation at play. An individual is healthy to the extent that their motivation is derived from confidence, by a love of self and life, as opposed to fear.

Pseudo Self-Esteem

Some may develop a spurious sense of self-esteem if the consciousness required to develop it authentically brings to light the real causes of its lack. It is painful to realise that we are inappropriate to existence so many explain away these feelings to deny their fears and rationalise their behaviour, taking on a persona of self-esteem. Pseudo self-esteem is the illusion of self-respect and self-efficacy without the reality.

Self-esteem should be sought through consciousness, responsibility and integrity if it is to be authentic. However, many pursue it by means that will not and cannot work such as popularity, material possessions or sexual conquests. Personal authenticity is what we should value but instead we wish to belong to the right groups so that self-assertion becomes less important than uncritical compliance. Self-respect through honesty is hard to attain so philanthropy, doing good things, is how we feel that we are good people. The possibilities for self-deception are endless but what we desire cannot be attained through what is outside us.

Self-esteem is an intimate experience, it resides in the core of one’s being. It is what I think or feel about myself, not what someone else does. Even if everyone around me loves me I may not love myself. I can attain any level of achievement and still feel I have accomplished nothing, project an image of assurance and feel inadequate. To be successful without a healthy self-esteem is to feel like an imposter anxiously awaiting exposure. The acclaim of others does not create our self-esteem, nor does anything outside of us. The tragedy of many people’s lives is that they look for it everywhere except within, so that they are doomed to fail in their search.

Positive self-esteem is best understood as a victory in the evolution of consciousness. Understanding this, it becomes foolish to think that making a positive impression on others will give us self-regard. It will no longer seem reasonable to say that we need to achieve something before we feel at peace with ourselves. If self-esteem is the judgment that I am appropriate to life, the experience of competence and worth, self-affirming consciousness in the form of a mind that trusts itself, no one can generate and sustain this experience except myself. The ultimate source of our self-esteem is and can only be internal, in what we do. If we seek it in externals, in the actions and responses of others, we undercut our development. To look to others as a source of our self-value is dangerous because it does not work and it exposes us to potentially becoming approval addicts.

The most effective means to liberate ourselves from preoccupation with the opinions of others is to raise the level of consciousness we bring to our own experience. The more we focus on our inner signals the less attention we pay to external ones, which gradually recede into proper balance. This entails listening to the body, to our emotions and learning to think for oneself.


The alternative to excessive dependence on the feedback and validation of others is a well-developed system of internal support. Then, the source of certainty lies within. The attainment of this state is essential to proper human maturity insofar as we become independent and no longer rely upon supportive feedback from our social environment.  The condition of aloneness is manageable to a higher degree for the great creators and innovators who followed their vision without fearing the unexplored spaces that frighten others who have never looked outside their community for answers. ‘Genius’ then has a great deal to do with independence, courage and daring, in a word, with nerve. That is why it is admired. It cannot be taught but can be learned by each person. If human happiness, wellbeing, and progress are our goals, then it is a trait we must strive to nurture in ourselves.

Internal Sources of Self-Esteem

The Focus on Action

The individual, rather than the environment, is what we concern ourselves with. What matters most is not what others do but what we do. When looking at how to develop our self-esteem our focus must be on the practices we engage in everyday because every value in life can only be achieved and sustained through action. What determines the level of self-esteem is what the individual does; a person’s actions are decisive. Consequently, insofar as action within the world reflects action within the mind of the individual, internal processes are crucial. The six pillars of self-esteem, the practices that are indispensable to the health of the mind and the effective functioning of the person, are operations of consciousness. All involve choices which must be made day after day. A practice implies a discipline of acting in a certain way consistently. It is not occasional action but how we operate in our lives, a way of behaving that is also a way of being.

Volition and it’s Limits

Free will does not mean omnipotence. Many factors can make it easier or harder to raise consciousness to engage in focused thinking such as genetic predispositions toward anxiety and depression or developmental factors that make it hard for healthy self-esteem to emerge without therapy. Dysfunctional families create destructive environments in which obstacles are placed in the way of the appropriate use of our minds. For the most part, parents with good self-esteem have children who also do. Nevertheless,‘Invulnerables’ seem to be able to extract nourishment from a harsh environment to develop a powerful sense of value and dignity.

Inner Blocks

Within our psyche, there may be obstructions to thinking, subconscious defences that prevent us from becoming conscious to avoid pain. Consciousness is a continuum that exists on many levels, so an unresolved problem on one may subvert action at another if we remain unconscious of the deeper issue. In any case, our self-esteem will be affected by whether I try to bring consciousness to the problem.

What we do Know

While the biological and developmental factors that affect self-esteem remain unknown to us, we have considerable knowledge about the volitional practices that we can employ in our own lives to raise or lower it. If there is a commitment to understanding self-trust naturally follows, whereas avoidance of the effort works the other way. Mindfulness allows us to feel competent because we are more aware and likely to master a skill than those who live mindlessly. Integrity leads to self-respect while putting on a façade moves us away from it.

While we may not be able to change out pasts what we can do today to raise our self-esteem is considerable, if we understand its nature and commit ourselves to the practices that lead to it. If we are to help others develop theirs we must become what we wish to teach. What we say is rarely as influential as what we manifest in our behaviour.

Sentence-Completion Work

Sentence-completion exercises can be used to strengthen self-esteem. It facilitates self-understanding, liberates self-expression and activates self-healing. Through it, we can come to see what it is that raises or lowers our self-esteem. Particular areas can be explored at deeper and deeper levels so that the six practices can be implemented in our daily lives.

The Six Practices

Self-Esteem is a consequence of internally generated practices so we cannot work on it directly. Rather, we must address ourselves to the source. Once we understand what these practices are we can commit to initiating them into ourselves. Any improvements in these practices generate benefits. Knowing what they are gives us the power to choose and integrate them into our way of life. This is the power to raise the level of our self-esteem. The point we start at is of no consequence because however difficult it may be at the start, we do not have to attain ‘perfection’ in these practices. We only need to raise our average level of performance to experience growth in self-efficacy and self-respect. Extraordinary changes in people’s lives can result from the smallest improvements in these practices because one small step invariably leads to another. 

The Six Practices are:

The Practice of Living Consciously

The Practice of Self-Acceptance

The Practice of Self-Responsibility

The Practice of Self-Assertiveness

The Practice of Living Purposefully

The Practice of Personal Integrity

The Practice of Living Consciously

Enlightenment is associated with waking up, with an expansion of consciousness. It is the highest manifestation of life; the higher the consciousness the more advanced the life form. Human consciousness, our mind, is our basic tool of survival and greater awareness identifies increasing maturity. The operation of this consciousness is volitional, we can choose whether to be thinking or unthinking beings, to bring attention to a problem or to ignore it. This self-management can be our glory or our burden. If we betray our minds self-esteem suffers. If we do not live mindfully, bringing the appropriate level of consciousness to our activities it is inevitable that our self-efficacy and self-respect will diminish. The evasion of facts that may be painful only keeps us stuck. Through the choices we make as to whether we are responsible toward reality, we establish the kind of person we are so that these are added up to constitute the experience we call ‘self-esteem’. Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves. To live consciously means to seek to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values and goals – to the best of our ability – and to behave in accordance with what we see and know.

The Betrayal of Consciousness

Consciousness that does not become appropriate action is a betrayal of consciousness, mind invalidating itself. If I act contrarily to what I see and know I am avoiding consciousness. Living consciously means more than seeing and knowing, it means acting on what one sees and knows.

Possible Misunderstandings

To live consciously does not require us to remain explicitly aware of everything we have ever learned as this is an impossibility. It also does not mean that we have to be focused on some problem every moment of our existence. Rather, context determines what mind state is appropriate. To operate consciously does not mean I always have to be in the same mental state but rather to be in the state appropriate to what I am doing. My purposes and values dictate which state is appropriate to the activity in the moment such that context determines the right level of consciousness.

Being Responsible toward Reality

Living consciously implies respect for the facts of reality. This includes the facts of our inner world, our needs, wants and emotions, and the outer world. How we feel things should be have no bearing on how they are in reality such that what we would like does not change what is. Consequently, we must live responsibly toward reality, because then we will not confuse the subjective with the objective. Whether we like what we see is a matter of indifference, we must recognise what is, accepting the facts of the matter without taking them to be otherwise. Only then can we be said to be living consciously.

The Specifics of Living Consciously

Living Consciously entails:

A mind that is active rather than passive

The most fundamental act of self-assertion, the choice to think and seek awareness. Another self-esteem virtue is also developed: Self-responsibility. Acknowledging that we are responsible for our own existence and happiness we realise that no one can make our decisions for us, that we therefore have to choose to be conscious and be guided by the clearest understanding of which we are capable.

An intelligence that takes joy in it’s own function

Consciousness should be a joy, rather than a burden. Our primary entertainment should come through learning such that any barriers to the assertion of consciousness must be overcome if we are to feel it become a greater source of satisfaction. Taking pleasure in the use of our mind is essential.

Being ‘in the moment’ without losing the wider context

Being present to what one is doing without thereby disconnecting ourselves from our knowledge allows us to be in the most resourceful state. Then we can do what we are doing while also being aware of the wider context such that our consciousness is not impoverished.

Reaching out toward relevant facts rather than withdrawing from them

Relevance is determined by our needs, wants, desires and goals. Searching for helpful information that may lead us to change our assumptions allows us to continually learn. Conversely, pretending not to have seen so that we can stay comfortable in our ignorance leads nowhere.

Being concerned to distinguish among facts, interpretations and emotions

Our feelings are not the voices of reality. What we perceive, what we interpret it to mean and how we feel about it are three seraparate questions that must be distinguished between if we are to have a grounding in reality, if self-efficacy is to remain undiminished. The facts are what they are, the rest is what my mind makes of it, which says more about me than external reality. Living consciously then requires being sensitive to these distinctions.

Noticing or confronting my impulses to avoid or deny painful realities

The earnest intention to be conscious is essential when it comes to facing painful realities. It is easier to deny these and at times unconsciousness appears seductive. However, it is at these times, when we feel pain or fear, that we need to open our eyes wider because it is there that a problem has arisen. Since these include facts that it is in our self-interest to consider we must overcome our avoidance impulses, this means being aware of them. This requires the most ruthless honesty of which we are capable. The sincerity of our intention is what matters most.

Being concerned to know ‘where I am’ relative to my various (personal and professional) goals and projects and whether I am succeeding or failing

Are we hoping to somehow get where we would like to be or are we holding ourselves to account? If we would like to be a writer, what are we doing to further that goal? Are we closer now than we were a year ago? Where are we at present relative to the fulfilment of that ambition? Are we bringing enough consciousness to our goal?

Being concerned to know if my actions are in alignment with my purposes

There should be congruence between our goals or purposes and the investment of our time and energy. Living consciously then requires that if there is a misalignment between our actions and goals such that we pay more attention to what matters least to us, these need to be rethought so that we bring the appropriate amount of energy to what we care about most. Monitoring our actions relative to our goals will help us to remain conscious and adjust these so that we can achieve them.

Searching for feedback from the environment so as to adjust or correct my course when necessary

The way we lead our lives in the pursuit of our goals might need to be changed if new information requires an adjustment of our plans and intentions. Feedback will then tell us that what we had been doing is no longer effective, that another way of operating may be more beneficial. By taking this into account, we live consciously rather than mechanically.

Persevering in the attempt to understand despite difficulties

In our pursuit of understanding and mastery we will be faced with difficulties. In that moment we have a choice, whether to persevere. If we persevere in the will to efficacy we may not initially find the solution to the problem but will eventually win out because we do not surrender to despair. We believe that it is possible for us if only we put the time and effort in. If we give up or fall into passivity, going through the motions, we shrink our consciousness, to escape the frustration that accompanied our efforts. To be sure, we can make a conscious decision to discontinue something if it is not worth the expenditure of energy and time required. Nevertheless, the world belongs to those who persevere. We should never resign ourselves to defeat in anything we regard as worthwhile without exhausting all possibilities, even if that means taking a rest and coming back to it.

Being receptive to new knowledge and willing to re-examine old assumptions

A high level of consciousness requires that there is an openness to new knowledge that might bear on our old assumptions. If we believe we already know and close ourselves to new ideas our attitude excludes the possibility of growth. Whatever our starting point improvements in our understanding are always possible so we must be receptive to new experience.

Being willing to see and correct mistakes

If we accept certain premises as true and become attached people may not wish to recognise contradictory evidence. However, living consciously implies that my first loyalty is to truth, not to making myself right. All of us are wrong sometimes so if we tied our (pseudo) self-esteem to being above error we shrink consciousness in misguided self-protection.  To find it humiliating to admit an error is a certain sign of a flawed self-esteem.

Seeking always to expand awareness – a commitment to learning – therefore, a commitment to growth as a way of life

Only a lifelong commitment to learning can allow us to remain adaptive in our world, where the knowledge we have is multiplying rapidly. Anyone who thinks they have done with education is on a downward spiral toward increasing unconsciousness. In order to live consciously we must always be on the lookout for new information that will help us grow, so that we close our attention to nothing useful.

A concern to understand the world around me

We must be aware of the forces that shape our lives, of the full context the world we live in put us in. Not to be is to imagine we live in a vacuum unaffected by the social, cultural and physical environment and the effects these have on our health, happiness and attitudes. Living consciously entails a desire to understand this influence and a person of high intelligence with a philosophical disposition may take this concern farther. Our intention and its expression in action is of primary importance.                                                                                                                                                                          A concern to know not only external reality but also internal reality, the reality of my needs, feelings, aspirations, and motives, so that I am not a stranger or a mystery to myself

I am not living consciously if my consciousness is used for everything but self-understanding. If all I know are an assortment of facts unrelated to myself I remain unconscious of the most important aspect of my life, my internal world. We should not be estranged from ourselves, disowning our needs, rationalising our emotions or behaviour. There must be an intention, a concern to know our needs, wants and mental processes. Self-examination requires mindfulness of how we are feeling so that we are always aware of what we are doing when we like ourselves and when we don’t. To notice I have to be interested and think the practice worthwhile, that there is value in knowing myself. It may bring up some troublesome facts but in the long run I will benefit more from consciousness than unconsciousness. It is then that I can decide whether my feelings help me, my emotions will allow me to understand my actions and reactions. Noticing my pattern of behaviour will tell me what gives me the desired result and what to avoid. Recognising the different voices in my head will help me to distinguish my true voice from the others and become free of their influence. Once we notice these things we can live our own lives consciously as autonomous human beings.

A concern to be aware of the values that move and guide me, as well as their roots, so that I am not ruled by values I have irrationally adopted or uncritically accepted from others

Obliviousness to the values guiding our actions will in the end lead to self-alienation because what our family or culture wants us to think is rarely supportive of our interests. These values subvert healthy self-esteem such that people wrongly come to think of personal worth in terms of achievement and status. Living consciously means reflecting on the values that set our goals and purposes and deciding whether they are truly our own.

A Note on Addiction

The avoidance of consciousness is evident in addiction – to the addict, consciousness is the enemy. Addictions usually form because a person wishes to avoid pain and fear, so they lower consciousness through alcohol or drugs, only to find that afterward their feelings return. To sustain this they lie to themselves about what they see and know, explain away what they know is true. Living consciously requires that we are brutally honest with ourselves, so that we never drown out the voice of reason to stay in the dark about what will help us.

Consciousness and the Body

The psychological may be somaticized so that breathing becomes shallow and muscles tighten so that the flow of feeling is obstructed and consciousness diminishes. Working to liberate blocked consciousness allows the person to feel more and become more aware. Freeing the body contributes to freeing the mind. If one is to operate at a higher level of consciousness a body armoured against feeling is a serious impediment.

Sentence Completions to Facilitate the Art of Living Consciously

Sentence completion work is a deceptively simple yet powerful tool for raising self-understanding, self-esteem and personal effectiveness. It rests on the premise that all of us have more knowledge than we are normally aware of, more wisdom than we use, more potentialities than show up in our behaviour. This process helps us activate these hidden resources. By doing it we set in motion a process that makes it impossible not to operate more consciously. The technique helps us to manage our attention, to discipline the mind. There is a discipline to maintain good self-esteem. The foundation is the discipline of consciousness itself. Insofar as completing the sentence stems forces us to think more deeply about the particular self-esteem value it leads to a higher level of awareness in the conduct of daily life.

A Challenge

Living consciously is both a practice and a mindset, an orientation toward life. Of course, it exists on a continuum, no one lives completely unconsciously and everyone can live more consciously. Naturally, certain areas of our lives will receive more consciousness than others. The way to tell which need more attention is usually as simple as deciding which we feel least effective in, where we are least satisfied. If we are honest, this will not be difficult to find out. Which need requires focus depends on where we are in our evolution. Once we recognise which areas are difficult to remain conscious in we can reflect on why this might be the case in order to move forward.

The Practice of Self-Acceptance

Without self-acceptance, self-esteem is impossible. The terms are so closely related that they are often conflated but the difference is that while the former is something we do the latter is something we experience. Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to myself. The concept has three levels of meaning.

The First Level

To be self-accepting is to be on my side. At its core it is an orientation of self-value and self-commitment that derives from the fact I am alive and conscious. It is a pre-rational act of self-affirmation, a natural egoism that is our birth right but which we have the power to act against. Yet, to be self-rejecting at all means no growth will be possible. An attitude of self-acceptance inspires us to face ourselves without collapsing into self-hatred or calling into question our value. It is choosing to value myself, treating myself with respect, standing up for my right to exist. This initial self-affirmation is the base on which self-esteem develops.

The Second Level

Self-acceptance entails making it known to ourselves without evasion that we are what we are, that we have done what we have done, desire what we desire, feel what we feel and think what we think. No part of us, whether our body, emotions, thoughts, actions or dreams, is ‘not me’. The facts of our being at a particular moment are sacred. A willingness to experience every part of myself, never to dissemble when it comes to the thoughts and feelings I have, to the reality of my behaviour, has healing power. By accepting these as they are I can move forward with a greater understanding of myself. Accepting does not mean giving in to how I feel at a certain time, in most cases it will mean I recognise without agreeing and the negative feelings will usually fade.

Realism is necessary because unless I know what I think, how I feel or what I do I have no basis on which to deal with these. What we become aware of may be uncomfortable, but it is nonetheless what we are experiencing, so the reality of its occurrence must be respected. We do not have to admire these unwanted emotions and thoughts but we do need to open ourselves up to them and fully experience them.

Self-acceptance is the precondition of change and growth. Unless I know and accept what I am presently I cannot change what I am. Only when I make a point to know my true thoughts and feelings, whether or not they are ones I would like to have, can I know enough about myself to change them. If I go into denial and explain away painful thoughts or diminish feelings I would rather not have this self-deception will keep me from growing. I cannot learn from a mistake I do not accept having made or overcome a fear whose reality I deny. A trait can only be changed if I admit I have it. I cannot be truly for myself and build self-esteem if I do not accept myself.

The Third Level

Self-acceptance entails compassion, being a friend to myself. If we have done something wrong we do not deny reality, but ask why we did so. The context of the action will help us to understand why something felt desirable if it was not to our interests. To be sure, we recognise that we have made a mistake and take responsibility for it, but we also bring a compassionate interest to the issue in order to comprehend our behaviour such that undesired behaviour will become less likely. We should reproach ourselves as we would friends, with an accepting and compassionate outlook. because future behaviour will be shaped by self-concept. Benevolence toward ourselves is always important but especially so when we do something we regret. This is the virtue of self-acceptance.

An Exercise

If we make a point to look at ourselves in the mirror saying that ‘whatever the defects or imperfections of my body I accept them unreservedly’ we can begin to see the relationship between self-acceptance and self-esteem: A mind that honours sight honours itself. To be sure, accepting doesn’t mean liking, we may still wish to change these parts of ourselves but it remains the case that in that moment at which we look they constitute us. Consequently, if we are to be loyal to reality, seeing the facts for what they are, we become more comfortable with ourselves. The impulse to flee from awareness, to disown aspects of ourselves will keep us from liking what we see in the mirror and we cannot expect to love who we are if we reject our physical being. Moreover, acceptance will not only mean a more harmonious relationship to ourselves, a growth in self-efficacy and self-respect, it will also mean that the aspects of our self that we are motivated to change can be because we know the facts of what they are. We are not moved to change those things whose reality we deny. As for those things which we cannot change when we accept them we grow stronger and more centred.

Listening to Feelings

The act of experiencing and accepting our emotions is implemented through focusing on the feeling or emotion, allowing it to express itself, breathing deeply so my muscles can relax and making real to myself that it is mine, owning it. When we allow ourselves to experience and accept our emotion we can move to a deeper level of awareness where new information presents itself. Once we immerse ourselves in our emotions we may find that afterward a new problem remains but because we have let it into conscious awareness it is one that can be dealt with whereas before our feelings masked it. By embracing them it is capable of being dealt with.

A Personal Example

When younger the author thought that unwanted emotions needed to be ‘conquered’ and associated denying and disowning with strength. He felt loneliness and wanted to connect with people but explained this away as a weakness because he should be independent. So he acted like he didn’t care, did not give others much of a chance and opened up a chasm between himself and the rest of the world. He told himself that his thoughts and books were enough if he were self-reliant. If he had understood the naturalness of his desire for human contact he would have opened up and tried to find bridges of understanding between him and others. The effect of disowning on our self-esteem is great, if we do not admit that we feel what we feel, in this case a longing for human companionship, we are in an adversarial relationship to that part of us. When we learn to embrace the disowned parts of ourselves we grow in self-esteem. The first steps of healing and growth are awareness and acceptance – consciousness and integration. They are the fountainheads of personal development.

An Experiment

Contemplate an emotion that is not easy for you to face such as anxiety and allow it fully. Make a point not to resist it but to accept the experience without wishing it were otherwise. In this way, accept those unwanted emotions which are bubbling under the surface, waiting to become conscious before their work is done. 

When Self-Acceptance seems Impossible

If a negative reaction is so overwhelming we do not feel we can be self-accepting we are forced to accept the resistance we have to doing so. Once we do it will usually begin to dissolve. If I accept that right now I refuse to accept that I feel angry, if we accept that resistance, it begins to collapse. When we acknowledge a block to self-acceptance it melts because its continued existence depends on opposition.

Two Fallacies

The two fallacies are that if we accept what we are we must approve of everything about us, and that we must be indifferent to change and improvement. Nevertheless, if we do not accept what is how can we find the inspiration to change it, if we deny and disown how can we grow? The paradox is that an acceptance of what is is a precondition of change, while denial of what is keeps us stuck in it. Only when I fully accept my characteristics, admit to myself that I have the strengths and weakness that I do, can I begin to change them.

The Ultimate Crime against Ourselves: The Disowning of Positives

Anything we can experience can be disowned, any act of self-expression can be rejected, our memories, thoughts and feelings can be rebelled against. We can be as frightened of our assets as our shortcomings. Our genius or beauty can cause as much anxiety as our depression. Our liabilities pose a problem of inadequacy while our strengths pose the challenge of responsibility. Anything that makes us stand out or alone, that calls for the awakening of the hero within us, is to be accepted fully. Our greatest crime against ourselves is not denying and disowning our shortcomings but our greatness, because it frightens us. All the same, just as a fully realised self-acceptance does not evade the worst within us, nor does it evade the best within us.

The Practice of Self-Responsibility

To feel competent and worthy of happiness we have to feel control over our existence. We must take responsibility for our actions and the fulfilment of our goals. This means we are responsible for our wellbeing and our life. This is a natural expression of self-esteem but also a cause of it. Self-responsibility is essential to self-esteem.As with the other pillars the line of causality is reciprocal, what improves our self-esteem is also improved by it.

The Action Implications of Self-Responsibility

I am responsible for the achievement of my desires

No one owes me the fulfilment of my wishes. If I have desires it is up to me to figure out how to satisfy them. I need to take responsibility for creating a plan and following it through. If I am unwilling to take responsibility for the attainment of my desires they are merely daydreams. For my desires to become serious I must answer in no uncertain terms what I am willing to do to get what I want.

I am responsible for my choices and actions

I am the chief causal agent of my life and behaviour. If my choices and actions are mine, I am their source. I need to own this fact and stay connected with it when I choose and act. Only then will I become truly responsible for my life.

I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my work

We can choose how much awareness we bring to our daily activities. If we are being self-responsible we are more likely to operate at a higher level of consciousness.

I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my relationships

In my interactions with others, I am responsible for the level of awareness I bring or fail to bring to any encounters. The people I choose to be friends with is also up to me so we must be present to what we do around others.

I am responsible for my behaviour with other people

I am responsible for how I speak and listen, for the promises I make, for the rationality or irrationality of my dealings. We evade responsibility when we try to blame others for our actions. It is only by owning our behaviour that we become responsible.

I am responsible for how I prioritise my time

Whether my choices about how I use my time and energy are incongruous with my values is my responsibility. If I claim to love learning but waste time procrastinating I need to rethink how I invest my energy. It is up to me how I use my time and what I do with it decides who I will become. It is the most important resource, one I must be responsible toward if I am to self-actualise.

I am responsible for the quality of my communications

How clear I am in relating my thoughts by speaking loudly and distinctly, checking to see whether the listener understood, is up to me. 

I am responsible for my personal happiness

Happiness is my own affair, nothing anyone else says or does can give it to me without my assent. The decisions I take are what bring it around. Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering, it places my life back in my hands and sets me free.

I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live

Choices and decisions are crucial when values are adopted so subjecting them to reason will allow me to revise them if they are no longer helping me. My responsibility toward the values I live by, to the fact that I get to choose them, sets me free.

I am responsible for raising my self-esteem

Self-esteem is not a gift I can receive from someone else, it is generated from within. To wait passively for something to raise it will only bring a lifetime of frustration. Our mind registers choices in the way we operate that affect our sense of self. If we betray ourselves and our powers, living mindlessly and purposelessly, we cannot acquire self-esteem. If we are to do so we cannot relieve ourselves of personal responsibility. Those that lack self-esteem begin to identify it as being ‘loved’, tying it to this idea and in this way remaining passive.  They stay dependent when becoming an adult requires becoming responsible for ourselves, to be self-supporting psychologically.

A Clarification

We can only be responsible for what is within our control, the only consciousness over which we have volition is our own. Holding ourselves responsible for something beyond our control means we fail our expectations and cause problems for our self-esteem. Likewise, denying responsibility for matters in our control sets us back in our development of self-esteem. Hence, we are only responsible for what is up to us.


Self-responsibility shows up as an active orientation toward life and work rather than a passive one. If there is a problem we ask what we can do about it and implement our solution. That we are solution orientated means that we take the responsibility for finding a way out of our problem and do not put things off or look to others. If we avoid a responsibility that is ours to take however we try to excuse ourselves our self-esteem cannot remain unaffected.


To live self-responsibly we must have productive purposes insofar as work and exercising our intelligence toward useful ends supports our existence. Without productive goals and effort we remain children. In order to become independent we must ask ourselves how we can improve our condition, what needs to be done. Self-responsibility is expressed through an active orientation to life, through the understanding that no one can spare us the necessity of independence and that, without work, independence is impossible.

Thinking for Oneself

Living actively entails independent thinking rather than passive conformity. Independent thinking follows from living consciously, by the exercise of our own mind, and self-responsibility, thinking for oneself. Most people are other people, their opinions belong to someone else, they repeat opinions without coming to their own understanding. Either we use our own mind or uncritically accept what others say and the choice we make is crucial for how we experience ourselves and the life we create, if it is to be fulfilling we must commit to thinking for ourselves. Our intention, the nature of our goal, is important. Those who think for themselves, who try to understand things on their own terms and judge through their own reason the various aspects of their lives, strengthen self-esteem. Which itself results in a natural inclination to think independently.

The Moral Principle

In embracing self-responsibility we recognise that others do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs, that we are not morally entitled to treat others as a means to our ends, just as we are not a means to theirs. If we accept that people act in their own interest we are obliged to offer reasons that tie in with their goals. This mutual respect will also be extended to us. If self-responsibility means that we take into account our own goals and interests when we take a decision we can expect others to be responsible toward theirs and in this way understand that to foster goodwill between us and them we need to come from a position of cooperation.

No One is Coming

The moment we understand that no one is coming to save us, that if we do nothing our lives will not improve, we will be forced to take responsibility if we wish to actualise our potential. Otherwise it will remain unfulfilled and we will wait our whole lives for some inspiration, for someone to come or for something to switch in our mindset, a miracle. However, we will pay for our lives with this self-deception. Until we realise that we are alone, that no one ever was or will be coming to save us, that making our lives right is our own affair, we will take it into our hands and never loosen our grip.

The Practice of Self-Assertiveness

Self-assertiveness is integral to a healthy self-esteem. A subtle fear of it in most people can be shown by asking them to assert their right to exist. They will rarely say it convincingly and will raise their voice as if anticipating an attack. It is difficult to be truly self-assertive because in many cases this will mean this will mean being who we are openly, not concealing parts of ourselves in order to be liked. Yet, this is essential to a strong self-esteem, which in any case depends on how we view what we do, not what others think of it.

What is Self-Assertiveness

Self-assertiveness means honouring my needs, wants and values, seeking appropriate forms in which to express them in reality. Its lack will mean that who we are remains a mystery to others because one will hide their true selves to ‘belong’. It is not belligerence, overpowering other people in order to move forward our own agenda. It is the willingness to stand up for myself, to be who I am openly, to treat myself with respect in all encounters. It means the refusal to fake my person to be liked. To practice self-assertiveness is to live authentically, to speak and act from my innermost convictions and feelings, as a way of life. It is a rule but appropriate self-assertiveness pays attention to context. To respect the difference between situations isn’t to sacrifice our authenticity but to be realistic. Silence can suggest disagreement, refusing to smile at a joke shows what we think. It is not necessary or possible to voice all our thoughts. What is necessary is to know what we think and to remain real. In every situation there is a choice between authenticity or inauthenticity, being real or fake. It is up to us to ensure that we are true to who we are.

What Self-Assertiveness is and is not

  1. The assertion of consciousness entails the choice to see, to think and be aware of the world outside us and within us. Asking questions and challenging authority are acts of self-assertion. To think for oneself and to stand by what we think is the root of self-assertion. While healthy assertiveness requires the ability to say no, it is ultimately tested not by what we are against but by what we are for. We should not only oppose what we disagree with but live and express our values, have integrity. It begins with thinking but until we bring ourselves into the world self-assertiveness is not realised.  To hold values is not self-assertion until we pursue them and stand by them. To aspire is not self-assertion but bringing our aspirations into reality is. To dream our lives away is not self-assertion, to be able to say at the end that we lived it on our own terms, is.
  2. To practice self-assertiveness consistently is to be committed to my right to exist, which proceeds from the knowledge that my life does not belong to others and that I am not on earth to live up to anyone else’s expectations. Our life is in our own hands, it is our responsibility. Surrendering to the fear this responsibility might confer, failing to stand up for our right to exist as autonomous people, subverts self-esteem. We need the conviction that our ideas and wants are important, that we are not selfish if we stand up for ourselves and do what we would like. It takes courage to honour what we want and fight for it. Self-surrender and sacrifice are easier but after we give something we had a deep yearning for up we are likely to feel regret on account of betraying ourselves.
  3. Without appropriate self-assertiveness we are spectators, not participants. Healthy self-esteem asks that we leap into the arena, to develop our ideas and fight for them, doing everything in our power to give it substance.
  4. Self-assertion entails the willingness to confront rather than evade the challenges of life and to strive for mastery. As we expand the boundaries of our ability to cope, self-efficacy and self-respect likewise expand. Committing ourselves to learning and taking on challenges raises personal power. We put ourselves out into the world and assert our existence. If we are struggling to understand something it is an act of self-assertion to persevere. When we acquire new skills, learn new knowledge, commit to reaching a higher level of competence, we practice self-assertiveness. When we can socialise without betraying our standards and convictions, we are asserting ourselves.

Fear of Self-Assertiveness

If one believes that it is more desirable to fit in than to stand out, they will not embrace the virtue of self-assertiveness. They tell themselves that if they express who they are they will evoke disapproval. That if they love and affirm who they are they will evoke resentment. Or if they are happy with themselves others will become jealous. If they stand out, they may be compelled to stand alone. So they remain passive and suffer a loss of self-esteem. They feel threatened by individuation because they imagine that it results in separateness. However, a well realised person will have become individuated (self-realised, become autonomous) and will have developed a capacity for intimacy in relationships. It is then a precondition for a healthy society, in which there will be self-respecting individuals. It is therefore essential to have the courage to be who you are.


Some people stand and move as if they have no right to the space they occupy. They speak as if their intention is not to be heard by others, mumbling or speaking faintly. It is obvious that they do not feel they have a right to exist, they embody a lack of self-assertiveness in the extreme such that their poor self-esteem is obvious. When they learn to speak and move with more assurance, after some initial anxiety, they experience a rise in self-esteem. It is not always apparent when we fail to assert ourselves, sometimes we forget that we remained silent and surrendered, or capitulated, that we misrepresented our beliefs and feelings in a way that corroded our self-respect and dignity. When we do not express ourselves, do not assert our being, do not stand up for our values in appropriate contexts, we inflict a wound on our sense of self. The world does not do it to us, we do it to ourselves.

The temptation to self-betrayal can be worst with those we care about the most because if we value their approval we may censor our reactions in order not to lose it. In this way we might treasure the opinion of people we admire above all others, and forego our self-assertiveness around them such that over time we damage our self-regard by trying to avoid conflict that may elicit disapproval. A valuable lesson is that surrenders of this kind do not work but only postpone the confrontations that are necessary for a relationship to remain intimate. No amount of admiration for another person can justify sacrificing our own judgement. No one is worth impressing. That is, if we have to change ourselves or dissemble in order to appeal to them such that we damage our self-esteem, it is never worth doing so. In any case, being honest about our real thoughts and feelings will lead to more intimacy whereas a façade will lead to a superficial relationship. Therefore, there is no time at which pretending to be someone other, holding different beliefs and feelings than we really do, can be justified.


The actions that support healthy self-esteem are also expressions of it. Self-assertiveness both supports self-esteem and is a manifestation of it. One of the ways we build self-esteem is by being self-assertive when it is not easy to do so. There are always times when self-assertiveness calls on our courage. If we resolve to answer the call whenever we hear it we will grow in self-esteem by virtue of expressing ourselves authentically.

The Practice of Living Purposefully

To live without purpose is to be at the mercy of chance because we have no standard by which to judge what is worth doing. External forces push us around into choices that do not serve our interests if we have no initiative of our own and fail to set a specific course. Our orientation to life is reactive rather than proactive and we drift through it. To live purposefully is to use our powers for the attainment of goals we have selected, that of studying, actualising our potential and sustaining relationships. It is our goals that lead us forward, that call on the exercise of our faculties, that enliven our existence. Living Purposefully means taking responsibility for doing the actions necessary to achieve my goals. It overlaps significantly with self-responsibility.

Productivity and Purpose

Living purposefully is living productively, making ourselves competent to life. Productivity is the act of supporting our existence by bringing our thoughts into reality, setting our goals and working for their achievement. We choose to support our existence by setting productive goals commensurate with our abilities. In this way, we move to realise our purpose by working toward it consistently, day after day, so we no longer go through life without a sense of direction.

Efficacy and Purpose

Fundamental efficacy is built through the mastery of particular forms of efficacy related to the attainment of particular tasks. These achievements do not ‘prove’ our worth but the process of achieving is the means by which we develop our effectiveness, our competence at living. I cannot have efficacy if I do nothing efficaciously. Therefore, productive work has the potential of being a powerful self-esteem builder.

The purposes that move us need to be specific to be realised, precisely defined so that we know exactly what it is that we need to do, or otherwise what we need to change. To live purposefully is to be concerned with what we are trying to achieve and the best way to get there. Answering this will require a high level of consciousness. In relationships where people think love is enough to solve problems without their action, conflict is rarely resolved. Purposes unrelated to a plan of action do not get realised, they exist only as frustrated yearnings. Daydreams do not produce the experience of efficacy.


To live purposefully and productively requires that we cultivate within ourselves a capacity for self-discipline. Self-Discipline is the ability to organise our behaviour over time in the service of specific tasks. It involves deferring immediate gratification for a long-term goal. Like all self-esteem virtues self-discipline is a survival virtue, meaning that it is a requirement of a successful life. We cannot function effectively, or feel competent to cope with the challenges of life, in its absence. It is essential if we are to enjoy the sense of being in control of our existence.

What Living Purposefully Entails

Living purposefully is a fundamental orientation that applies to every aspect of our existence. It means that we live and act by intention. It distinguishes those who have control over their lives.

Taking Responsibility for formulating one’s goals and purposes consciously

If we are to be in control of our own life, we need to know what we want and where we wish to go. It is down to us to decide what our purpose in life is over the next few years and what the ultimate goal that we are trying to reach is so we can consciously move toward it and make the right amount of effort.

Being concerned to identify the actions necessary to achieve one’s goals

If our purposes are to be purposes and not daydreams, we need to decide how to achieve them from where we are starting. What actions might be necessary to do so? If needed we may even need to create sub-purposes along the way to our ultimate purpose and create plans for these. Success in life belongs to those who take responsibility for thinking these steps out.

Monitoring behaviour to check that it is in alignment with one’s goals

If resistance to doing what one has committed to do arises being conscious of our actions relative to our purposes will help us to manage our behaviour if it is moving us away from what is required of us. The solution to this may be to rededicate ourselves to the clearly defined purpose and action plan we have embarked on to achieve it. Or we may need to rethink our goals and purposes.

Paying attention to the outcomes of one’s action, to know whether they are leading where one wants to go

Our goals may be clear and our actions congruent, but they may not lead where we wish to go if we failed to consider certain facts. As a result, it is important to pay attention to the outcomes of our actions, so that we can tell whether we are achieving our goals and also see if there are other consequences we never intended. As ever, living purposefully entails living consciously.

Thinking Clearly about Purposeful Living

  1. Life is impossible without goal fulfilment. Without it aimlessness and passivity will be our natural state. With nothing to strive for, we would have nothing to live for. A life without purpose, without the joys of achievement, can barely be said to be human.
  2. That the practice of living purposefully is essential to healthy self-esteem should not be taken to mean that the measure of an individual’s worth is their external achievements. The root of our self-esteem is not our achievements but those internally generated practices that make it possible for us to achieve, that is, all the self-esteem virtues. The source of achievement lies in its cause, self-esteem, not in itself. It is the effect of the power that healthy self-esteem confers.
  3. Productive achievement may be an expression of high self-esteem but it is not its primary cause. One may wish to avoid their interpersonal problems by losing themselves in work as an avoidance strategy to avoid the reality of their situation. If a person makes the error of identifying self with work, rather than the internal virtues that make work possible, if self-esteem is tied to accomplishments, success, income or being the breadwinner economic circumstances beyond their control can lead to depression. Males are especially socialised to identify worth and masculinity with being the provider for their family. Yet our efficacy and worth can never be a function of our earnings. If we are passed over for a job despite being the best candidates for reasons outside our control, such as a preference for age, we would feel a loss of personal effectiveness or, potentially, a diminished self-esteem. In order to avoid falling into the trap of this error we have to be well centred and understand that some forces operate beyond personal control and should therefore not have significance for self-esteem. They may feel anxiety but in any case they do not interpret these problems in terms of personal worth. When a question of self-esteem is involved the question to ask is whether the matter is within my direct, volitional control or causally linked to what is. If not, it is irrelevant to self-esteem and should be perceived to be, however painful or devastating the problem may be on other grounds.
  4. We need to balance projecting goals into the future with appreciating and living in the present. Living purposefully entails being blind neither to the future nor the present, but to integrate both into our experience and perceptions. If our goal is to ‘prove’ ourselves or escape a fear of failure, this balance is hard to come by. Anxiety, not joy, is our motor. If our aim is self-expression rather than self-justification, the balance comes more naturally. We will still need to act on our purpose everyday, but the anxiety of flawed self-esteem will not come in the way of this. 


If I dream of becoming a writer I must think about how to go about learning to write. This will mean writing, not pleasant reveries in which I imagine that I will start someday, I must write now. Having a purpose without action is nothing more than a daydream, it will lead nowhere until I monitor what I do in relation to what I want to achieve and find that they match. If I don’t do something nothing is going to change. For growing in self-esteem consistent kindness by intention is important.

The Practice of Personal Integrity

Integrity is the integration of ideals, convictions, standards, beliefs and behaviour. When our behaviour is congruent with our professed values, we have integrity. When our actions conflict with what we think is appropriate we lose face in our own eyes and respect ourselves less. If this continues, we may cease to trust ourselves. Self-esteem suffers and the breach of integrity can only be healed by practicing it again. Personal integrity comes down to whether we are honest, reliable and trustworthy, whether we do what we say we admire and avoid what we deplore. It asks that our effort to find the best choice be authentic, that we stay conscious and take responsibility for it, making it with the best knowledge we have of ourselves.


Integrity means congruence, words and behaviour must match. It means keeping our word, honouring our commitment, not breaking promises, practicing what we preach, living honestly no matter who we are with. We trust those who do what they say they will, whose actions remain bound to their values.

When we Betray our Standards

When I act against what I regard as right, if my actions clash with my values, then I act against my judgement and betray my mind. Hypocrisy is self-invalidating, mind rejecting itself. A lack of integrity undermines my sense of self as no rejection can damage me. Telling ourselves only we will know is a lie because it suggests that others judgements are more important. Nevertheless, when it comes to self-esteem I have more to fear from my own judgement than from anyone else’s. In the inner courtroom of my mind, mine is the only judgement that counts. There is no escape from this ego, this ’I’ at the centre of my consciousness. I cannot avoid myself. People who live for an illusion in someone else’s mind, which they hold more important than their knowledge of the truth, can never enjoy good self-esteem. In any case, most of the issues of integrity are small ones but when all the choices we make toward these come together they have an impact on our sense of self. A tragedy of many lives is that people greatly underestimate the self-esteem consequences of hypocrisy and dishonesty. Rather than being simply uncomfortable to lie, the spirit itself is contaminated.

Dealing with Guilt

It only makes sense to feel guilt when we are personally responsible for something happening. Self-reproach should only arise when we are clear about what is in our power and find that what went wrong was our fault. To restore our sense of integrity after such a breach for which we are personally responsible we must go through five steps. We must own, accept and take responsibility for the action. We seek to understand why we did what we did compassionately. We acknowledge what we have done to whoever it is we have wronged. We aim to make amends for the harm caused. Finally, we commit ourselves to behaving differently in the future. Until we have done this self-esteem remains unsatisfied. When guilt is a consequence of failed integrity, only an act of integrity can resolve it.

What if Our Values are Irrational?

If the standards we have come to accept deny us our needs or reject our nature such that affirming them would lead toward self-destruction we must question these. If we have been taught that enjoyment of life on earth is bad, that pleasure is a sin, ‘hypocrisy’ to these values may be all that keeps us alive. In such a case we must summon the courage to challenge the assumptions we have absorbed about what good is. In order to have integrity we must live consciously, so that we are aware of the standards we live by, and self-responsibly, so that we decide which values we would rather profess without looking to others. We would have to think about our deepest values and question whether they fit our understanding or do violence to our true nature. This requires independent thinking, the higher the level of consciousness the more we live by explicit choice and the more naturally integrity comes to us.

On Following your Own Bliss

Live consciously, take responsibility for your choices and actions, respect the rights of others and follow your own bliss. Take what you want and pay for it. A moral life requires serious reflection.


Each time we act dishonestly, take advantage of another’s trust or show ourselves to be unreliable because we say one thing and do another, our self-respect diminishes. Any betrayal lowers rather than raises our self-esteem, because even if we are seen better in others peoples eyes we know what we have done and because our personal worth cannot be sustained through what others think about us, we lower it every time we look for approval through hypocrisy or betrayal. Consequently, we must live with integrity because in the end we answer to ourselves. Our ‘reasons’ for breaches of integrity do not alter facts. Lies do not work. If we make them in order to protect our self-esteem by avoiding a conflict among our values and actions, when the facts come out it will be damaged all the more. The truth has to be told and the more we procrastinate the worse the consequences for our self-esteem and others. Living with integrity asks that we stay true to what we know and live in line with our standards and values as we conceive them consistently.

Keeping your Integrity in a Corrupt World

It is easier to practice integrity in a society where people are held accountable for their actions because such a culture would support morality. The challenge for people today is to maintain high personal standards while living in a morally depraved time. The practice of personal integrity has become a lonely and heroic undertaking. If integrity is a source of self-esteem then, never more so than today, it is also an expression of self-esteem. Honesty is the best policy.

The Principle of Reciprocal Causation

The behaviours that generate good self-esteem are also expressions of good self-esteem. That is, living consciously is both a cause and effect of self-efficacy and self-respect, alongside all the other practices. The more we live consciously the more we trust our minds and respect our worth. Once we do this it becomes more natural to live consciously because we recognise that our minds are our own and are our most important tool. The more I live with integrity the better my self-esteem, and if I have good self-esteem it feels natural to live with integrity.

The dynamics involved here mean that practicing these virtues over time gives us a felt need for them. If we have made self-responsibility second nature passivity and dependence will be difficult to live with and will feel unworthy of us. If I have been consistent in my integrity, dishonesty on my part will disturb me and I will feel the need to resolve this dissonance. Once we understand the practices we have the power to choose them. The power to choose them is the power to raise the level of our self-esteem, from whatever point we may be starting and however difficult it may be in the early stages. We begin where we are and build our self-esteem from there. The practices are ideals that guide us and as such they do not have to be lived perfectly to be beneficial to us in our lives. Small improvements make a difference. The virtues that self-esteem asks of us are also ones that life asks of us.

The Philosophy of Self-Esteem

To the extent that the six practices are integrated into our daily life self-esteem is supported and strengthened. Without them it is undermined and subverted. Practices are essential but our beliefs and convictions also support self-esteem. Convictions are important because they give rise to emotions and actions (practices). They are a crucial factor in the development of an individuals self-esteem. What people think and believe, what they tell themselves, influences what they feel and do. In turn, they experience their feelings and actions as having meaning for who they are. Of course, action has the last word, a belief without it means nothing. However, since beliefs affect actions, since beliefs have action implications, we need to examine them in their own right. There are beliefs, convictions deeply grounded in our being, that lead toward the practices. These premises have the power to evoke emotion and to stimulate and guide behaviour. Insofar as beliefs lie behind our actions we can think about those ideas that inspire behaviours that lead to a strong sense of efficacy and worth as the ‘philosophy of self-esteem’.

Beliefs about the Self that Support Self-esteem


I am of high value to myself

I have a right to honour my needs and want, to treat them as important

I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations, my life belongs to me

I am lovable

I am admirable

I will usually be liked and respected by the people I like and respect

I deserve to be treated with respect by everyone

If someone I like does not return my feeling this is not a reflection on my personal worth

No other individual or group has the power to determine how I will think and feel about myself

I trust my mind

If I persevere I can understand

If I persevere with my goals I am competent enough to achieve them

If my goals are rational I deserve to achieve at what I attempt

I am competent to cope with the basic challenges of life

I am worthy of happiness

I am ‘enough’

I have a right to make mistakes in order to learn

I am able to rise again from defeat

I do not sacrifice my judgement, pretend that my convictions are different than they are, to win popularity or approval

It is not what ‘they’ think, it is what I know. What I know is more important to me than a mistaken belief in someone else’s mind

Happiness and success are natural conditions to me

Self-development and self-fulfilment are appropriate moral goals

My happiness and self-realisation are noble purposes

Living Consciously

The more conscious I am of what bears on my interests, values, needs and goals the better my life will work

I am better served by correcting my mistakes than pretending not to have made them

I am better served by holding my values consciously and examining them

I am better served by facing rather than avoiding unpleasant facts

If I understand the world around me I will be more effective

To remain effective I need to keep expanding my knowledge; learning needs to be a way of life

The better I know and understand myself, the better the life I can create


At the most fundamental level, I am for myself

At the most fundamental level, I accept myself

I accept the reality of my thoughts, even if I do not agree with them, I do not deny or disown them

I can accept my feelings and emotions without liking or being controlled by them. I do not deny or disown them

I can accept that I have done what I have done, even when I regret or condemn it. I do not deny or disown my behaviour

I accept that what I think, feel or do is an expression of myself at the moment it occurs. I am not bound by these but I do not evade their reality

I accept the reality of my problems, but I am not defined by them.


I am responsible for my existence

I am responsible for the achievement of my desires

I am responsible for my choices and actions

I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring

I am responsible for my behaviour

I am responsible for how I prioritise my time

I am responsible for my communication

I am responsible for my personal happiness

I am responsible for choosing and accepting the values by which I live

I am responsible for raising my self-esteem,no one else can give me self-esteem

In the ultimate sense, I accept my aloneness, that no one is coming to make my life right or save me,  that earning the experience of self-efficacy and self-respect is my own affair

The need for self-responsibility is natural


It is appropriate for me to express my thoughts, convictions and feelings

I have a right to express myself in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts

I have a right to stand up for my convictions

I have a right to treat my values and feelings as important

It serves my interests for others to see and know who I am

Living Purposefully

Only I can appropriately choose the goals and purposes for which I live

If I am to succeed, I need to learn how to achieve my goals and purposes. I need to develop and then implement a plan of action.

If I am to succeed, I need to pay attention to the outcome of my actions

I serve my interests by reality checking, looking for feedback that bears on my beliefs, actions and purposes

I must practice self-discipline not as a ‘sacrifice’ but as a natural precondition of being able to achieve my desires

Personal Integrity

I should practice what I preach

I should keep my promises

I should honour my commitments

I should deal with other human beings fairly

I should strive for moral consistency

I should strive to make my life a reflection of my inner vision of the good

My self-esteem is far more valuable than any short-term rewards for its betrayal

Beliefs about Reality that Support Self-esteem

That which is, is; facts are what they are

Self-chosen blindness does not make the unreal real or the real unreal

Respect for the facts of reality brings more satisfying results than defying them

Survival and wellbeing depend on the appropriate exercise of consciousness, avoiding the responsibility of awareness is not adaptive

In principle, consciousness is reliable, knowledge is attainable, reality is knowable

Values that nurture and support an individual’s life and fulfilment are superior to those that threaten them

Human beings are ends in themselves

All adult human associations should be chosen and voluntary

We should not sacrifice self to others or others to self

Relationships based on an exchange of values are better

A denial of personal accountability does not serve anyone’s self-esteem

The moral, rationally understood, is the practical


Agreeing with any of the above does not yet indicate that it is integral to our belief system. The ideas qualify as beliefs only if they are experienced as true at a deep level and manifest in behaviour. If they are genuinely experienced, they tend to inspire consciousness, self-acceptance, self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, purposefulness and integrity. They are powerful motivators for the kind of actions that support psychological wellbeing. Applied to the six pillars they have functional utility, that is, they are adaptive; they are the fuel of self-esteem.

A Standard of Value

In the same way that the six pillars provide a frame of reference from which to consider beliefs, so they provide a standard of value by which to consider whether a value or teaching supports and encourages the six pillars or undermines them. Whether it leads toward increased self-esteem or away from it. If the nurturing of self-esteem is our purpose then it is appropriate to know how self-esteem is likely to be affected by the practices or philosophies we espouse.

Zorba the Greek

Anthony Quinn as Zorba the Greek (1964)

Zorba the Greek by Nikos Kazantzakis

The narrator is much like me in that he has recourse to books whenever he has time to himself. In fact, all he seems to have done is read book after book, focusing on the life of the mind. He grows ashamed at this once it becomes clear to him that he has been avoiding life, has dealt with its shadow and not its substance. For that is all novels can impart to us, a vague recollection a writer has of his or her past which is embellished and transformed into something else entirely. In any case, all we get through reading these stories is a dull likeness of a lived experience. This intellectual becomes tired at the ideas he has been learning, at the time he is spending thinking and imagining at the expense of reality.

Enter Zorba, a greying man in his sixties, who leads a life of action. He has known many people, had many conquests and professions and has even fought in wars. He is guided by his passion to act on his first impulse, to do precisely what he would like to do at the moment it impresses itself on him. He lives according to his feeling, getting the most out of each moment. As such, he lives as if he would die at any minute. When asked what he believes in, he replies that his belief is in himself. That because he sees through his own eyes, thinks through his own mind, his experience is all that matters to him. This is because he only has power over himself and is the only person he can ever truly know. 

His freedom is then tethered to himself whereas others are limited by an idea, a religion or nation which they commit to, lose themselves in. They free themselves from one only to find another nobler one to be chained by, another God to worship. Zorba does what he pleases while they are kept within the confines of their ideal. Happiness in life is to be found simply, by doing what you are passionate about. For him this was playing his santuri, dancing and going after women; living deeply.

The writer loves life but reproaches himself for having had his attention wrapped up in books as he is presently penning a manuscript on the Buddha. He realises that he needs to leave aside metaphysical cares, vain anxieties about what might happen and penetrate through to the heart of man, dealing directly with people so as to live. Zorba is the man he has been searching for, one who lives with feet firmly on the ground, while he in his philosophy has been trying to leave it. He is tied down to mother earth through his experiences and has not been to school, had his mind perverted. He has lived and his mind is open because of the adventures he has had and the primitive boldness which was never undermined. He deals with the problems of life intuitively, cutting right to their heart, while others think them complicated. His aim is steady because his whole body is firmly planted on the ground, always in contact with mother earth. He is true to his nature, while we lie to ourselves and try to soar beyond the material world.

Zorba dances, jumps into water when he feels like it, acts without stopping to think. At no point does it occur to him to doubt himself, to stop doing a thing which suggests itself to him in his moments of happiness, he simply lives. The writer, absorbed by this, feels he has wasted his life. That all he has learned up to that point has prevented him from living. He wishes to learn from Zorba, to keep his five senses trained, and his body strong so it would enjoy and understand, so that he could run and fight, so that the soul and body came together as one. In his companion he sees the right path. Someone who has opened his heart to the world and had it broken over and over, only to keep going back to it. One who must live at all costs.

The narrator was bothered by being labelled a bookworm by an old friend and endeavoured to throw down his pen and paper in order to launch himself into a life of action. Zorba shows him how colourless his life has been, how little he has seen and experienced, and that it is running away from him. A man’s happiness depends on his stature and if he is to be worthy of it this must rise.

When he looks up at the sky at night he sees an indifferent universe. We are born to say a few words, perhaps give rise to an idea, but inevitably destruction comes. Our ‘nations’ and ‘races’ have the same value in that ruin. Yet, having seen the futility of this existence, we may accept our roles in nature and play our parts on earth to the end, coherently, without being discouraged. Man has few true necessities and happiness can be found in the simplest of ways, by embracing the world around us.

Yet, on seeing a Woman he likes he says that he does not want trouble. Zorba replies that life is trouble. That only death brings no trouble, while living means undoing your belt and looking for it. The writer agrees but presently his contact with men has become a soliloquy, something he resolves to do when he is not around anyone only to give it up in their presence. He is so out of touch with life that he would prefer to read a book about love than fall in love with a woman. Zorba sees this and tells him to stop thinking, that now is the time that he is going to save or lose his soul. Paradise for men is women, regardless of what the priests say.

He was wasting his life, the woman and he were only insects that live for a second under the sun, and then die for all eternity. Zorba recounts a story in which a Muslim holy man had told him that he who can sleep with a woman but does not commits a great sin, that his soul will be destroyed and he will be cast into hell regardless of other good deeds. What else are men here for, does a desire for sex not follow from our nature? God will forgive all sins, but that sin he will not forgive.

Zorba lusts for travelling, woman and new adventures, which can be taken up once his ‘wings’ grow, that is, when money comes into his hands. He sees it as a means to the ends that will allow him to live. That, after all, is the only rightful use of money, treating it as paper that needs to be earned in order to do what you want to, to have freedom to go wherever you like, see whatever you hope to see. Though he would like to be somewhere away from the mine, he is nevertheless one with his task of scattering the earth. He leads the men and taken up by his work, completely absorbed by it, he pays no attention to what is going on around him. He is riveted to the pick and by extension the rock he is reshaping. Whatever he does fills his attention and he loses himself in it, lives the experience with his whole being.

The writer, through his manuscript on the Buddha, has come to believe in renunciation, in denying the desires of the flesh in order to further the soul’s development. Yet, he fights against his lust for the woman and finds this battle interminable, he beats his desire back only to find it return just as strong as before. He sees this temptation as inciting him to depravity, to a life of the flesh at the expense of the soul. Zorba, divining this, tells him that life passes in a flash, but that everything is simple in this world, should he not complicate things. He maintains that God would be much more pleased if he went to the woman.

The narrator tells himself that the life he is leading brings him happiness, that living far away from men, doing things in solitude, is what he wants. But he realises he is dissembling, that in his heart of hearts he is unhappy. He feels his life slipping away, another year is passing and he has nothing to show for it. He begins to think over his life, to ask himself what he has done with it. His realisation as the new year comes in is that it is a mortal sin to violate the laws of nature. It should not be rushed or slowed, instead we must obey the eternal rhythm.

He asks himself who the first person he sees in the new year might be. To his surprise it is the woman he likes, who smiles at him and leaves her gate open for him to follow. Yet he hesitates, says to himself that a man would go after her, that his father and sons would, but not him.

The moment the chance passes he feels he has committed a mortal sin. He is angry at himself and when Zorba jokingly asks him what the books tell him about woman he blasts them. Perhaps he recognises that he has avoided direct contact with woman through books, has grown to fear what he has never tried to understand in reality. That he is afraid of them and can only bring himself to deal with their likeness in stories. But he is disillusioned by this and reproaches himself for not having had the courage to take that step, to wordlessly jump into action, without weighing things up.

In Zorba he sees one with everything he needs in life, who has his fill of food, drink and woman. This man is at one with the universe, never for a moment out of touch with life. He adapts to the world around him and his soul and body form a harmonious whole, while everything blends into his flesh. Indeed, the older he grows the younger he feels and he even complains that the world has grown too small for him. 

The narrator picks up a book of poetry which he enjoys, having read it many times before, but throws it down in disgust. He now finds it bloodless, tasteless, devoid of any human substance, without life. He asks himself how it could have been so interesting to him previously, this game of words without even a drop of blood. The human element is impure and sublimating it into an abstract idea, putting it into words, can only mean that it rarefies and evaporates.

Buddha is the last man who had a ‘pure’ soul, empty of illusions and fear, reduced to spirit. He preached renunciation of the body and heart, emptied himself so that within him there remained only a void. There is no blood left and no seed within him, only his spirit remains, denying the body freedom to throw itself into the world. He is conscious of a life and death struggle against this great NO that was consuming his heart, a battle upon which the salvation of his soul depended. Meanwhile he had never lived, had not loved enough. He was at the beginning and Buddha had come to him too soon. There was nothing to renounce, he had never paid his body any heed.

On the other hand, he notices that his companion sees everything as if for the first time. He is mindful of his experience and is never thinking of anything else when something attracts his attention. Everyday, he sees a new world before his eyes, an intense vision breaking upon him. He lived the earth, water and animals without the distorting intervention of reason. The writer is being consumed by the desire to touch as much of the world as possible but has not done so precisely because he is reasonable, he thinks too much while Zorba acts. He is passive when only action will mean he is alive, there is no other salvation.

While away Zorba writes a letter in which he talks about his reflections on life. He realises that he is not in this world to be like an animal that only lives to eat, so to rise above them he works day and night in order to be a man. Yet, even as a man he is uninterested by what other people hold sacred. Other people reflect hard on the vanity of things, but he does not care to reflect. The events of his time are of no consequence, news and gossip bore him, it is all the same to him what happens.

Whether the Greeks sack Constantinople or the Turks conquer Athens amount to the same thing. If he ends up in heaven or hell, whether God or the Devil take him, is a matter of indifference. It does not matter what his work is, or if he has a woman, the only thing that makes any difference is whether he is alive or dead. After all, he is going to die, become nothing, but until he does there remain opportunities for adventure.

 It is for this reason that he fears old age, has dissembled in order to avoid feeling it closing on him. He would like to carry on in freedom and hates the idea that he may in the future no longer be able to do what he would like to. He would prefer a swift death at the exact time that he lost his freedom, at the moment his body began to lose its strength for good.  He has a devil inside him which does not want to grow old, that never will, which he calls Zorba. The writer is like him, he says, he has his own devil but does not know his name yet.

While most people live life with brakes on Zorba has thrown his aside and careers in whichever direction it takes him. He is not afraid of a jolt, or of crashing at full speed.  What does he have to lose? Nothing. Even if he takes it easy like everyone else he will end up just the same. Another lost soul that forgot to live. Onward then, come what may. Adventures are good for him, he feels younger and is revived through his exertions so that he becomes 20 again. A girl calls him ‘Grandad’ and he is bothered by it but does not let her see it. He buys her a drink and is burning up with passion but remains cold on the outside. She responds to this and he wakes up the next day with the ‘female of the species’ beside him in bed, which is for him what paradise will be like.

The writer paints a picture of the man writing the letter, who goes straight to the substance of life and is urged on irresistibly by a desire he cannot satisfy. He lives deeply because he must. Like the great philosophers he is dominated by the problems of mankind. He lives them like they were necessities and is filled with wonder at the world around him so that, like a child, he is seeing everything for the first time. It all seems miraculous to him, the sea, the earth, trees, people and animals.

Zorba is fascinated by the world around him and is devoted to it, while the writer fails to appreciate what surrounds him. Leave your books alone, he says, man is a wild beast and wild beasts don’t read books. Aren’t you ashamed? In his turn the writer sees in Zorba the embodiment of the abstract ideas that have been impinging on his consciousness, which incite him to live. In this man, this warm body teeming with life, is the answer to his call for an understanding of a life of action. A life lived.

The narrator’s exorcism of Buddha grows calmer and he becomes sure of deliverance. All the same, he feels that he is not warmly involved in human interaction. Others feel their neighbours happiness and suffering deeply while he alone is impotent and rational, does not love or hate with passion. He feels apart from them because his blood does not boil, so far he has pathetically left things to fate, has reasoned while others have allowed themselves to feel what they will and express it. He admires their passion, the rage they have when something bad happens, the sorrow they drown out, the sadness expressed silently. Life is hard. Even the luckiest life is hard. But troubles are made for young men.

The eternal vain, stupid questions; Why? What for? come to poison your heart. To pay them attention at the cost of acting will fill you with bitterness. The terrible warning that there is only one life for all men, that there is no other, that all that can be enjoyed must be enjoyed here, sounds within him. In eternity no other chance will be given to us. A mind hearing this pitiless warning would decide to conquer its weaknesses, its laziness and cling with all its power to every second that flies away for ever. Great examples come to mind and you see clearly that you are a lost soul, that your life is being frittered away on petty pleasures and pain, on trifling talk.

Religion fills him with aesthetic pleasure rather than mystic fervour, it has become art for him. In his youth he had rebelled against the child in him that seeked the mysterious, the divine. Once he had been told a story about a child that had fallen into a well and had seen a marvellous city, filled with all the riches that could be desired, the result of magic. He went home to look into his own well and imagined that he could see it there too. With his feet off the ground he readied himself to jump into the water only to be saved by his mother at the last minute.

 As a child he almost fell into a well. When grown up, he nearly falls into the word ‘eternity’. He had thought about it with closed eyes and arms apart, wanting to throw himself into it. Now he realises that, far from a mystery, eternity is each minute that passes. He had conquered many words, ‘God’, ‘Country’, ‘Love’ and ‘Hope’ and each time he felt he had escaped danger and made some progress. But he was only changing words and calling it deliverance. For the last two years he had been hanging over the edge of the word ‘Buddha’. Yet he is sure that this will be the last well of all, the last word-precipice, after which he will be delivered for ever, Zorba be praised. All that life offers him is met with passion and eternity is confined to its limits.

Zorba returns and the narrator hides his excitement at the reunion marked by the playing of his santuri and a song that had changed his life, or showed he was right. ‘Once you’ve made up your mind, no use lagging behind, go ahead and no relenting. Let your youth have free rein, it won’t come again, so be bold and no repenting. Courage! In God’s name! Venture, Come what may! If you don’t lose you’re bound to win the day!’. Their cares were scattered, petty troubles vanished, big and small worries faded into the air. The workers hear the song and dance around the fire into the night.

The narrator reads about a great ascetic who trains his students in his way of life by teaching them to forego attachment to the body. They submerge themselves in cold water seven times in succession. Following this, they climb a mountain peak in the cold, naked to their waist. The master tells them that their happiness should be found in themselves, that they should have no interest in pleasing others, that this life and the next are but one. Woe to all those who think otherwise.  He thinks he must free himself of all these phantoms, Buddhas, Gods, Motherlands, Ideas. Woe to he who cannot.

Having once imagined an intellectual community where talented artists, poets, writers and musicians all came together to exchange ideas and bring forward progress, he now feels the naivety of the desire of his youth, for they would all be buried there, passing the time writing away day and night, neglecting the world. In Zorba’s words, he would be frittering away his life with a whole lot of nonsense. Life is about enjoying yourself and it must be lived to the fullest.

They travel to a monastery in order to have papers signed for the work they are doing in the mine. The monks there ask for news of the world they have never returned to, some are interested in king and country, others in women. Zorba dislikes them, if they wanted to know about what was happening they should go back. If they wanted something they had to go after it, not deny that to themselves. That is how men free themselves, by stuffing themselves till they burst and no longer want it, not by turning ascetic.  To get the better of a devil we have to turn into a devil and a half. To overcome our desire for something we have to consume it till we no longer want it.

The bishop offers a theory about eternity in which it is possible to experience it in our ephemeral lives. However, our worries lead us astray. A select few, the flower of humanity, find eternity in their transitory lives. Those who do not are saved by God through religion. His mercy gave the crowd a chance to find eternity in the next life. Zorba finds the monks insufferable, seeing in them an empty resignation which they regret. They all want something but do not come down into the world to purge themselves.

Zorba cares deeply for the female of the species, a tear from a woman could drown him. His experiences with them have taught him much and he wishes to help them to be happy, or to console those who cannot be. He has reverence for the rascally God whose conquests were far and wide because he appeared to women in whichever guise they wanted and made love to them for their own sake. Zeus is for him a great martyr who was sorry for them, who sacrificed himself for women because he understood them. Meanwhile, the narrator swallowed everything he read in books without thinking about the people writing them. What do they know about women? Not the first thing. What could they possibly know about life? All those who actually live the mysteries of life have no time to write and all those who have the time don’t live them.

He had fought in wars for his country, plundered the Turks and killed the Bulgars. He bears cuts and bullet wounds all over the front of his body while his back remains unmarked, he had always faced danger head on. Presently, he is ashamed of having cared for nations, and sees no difference between Greeks and the rest of the world. Now he asks whether they are good and bad but no, this is inconsequential too, he has pity for both. Each man has his own devil and God, and will end up worm food just the same as everyone else. We’re all brothers. Poor devils destined to lie six foot deep. So long as there are countries, races and religions, man will stay like a ferocious animal.

At the sight of spring he rises up half-naked and runs out onto the beach to look for the signs that betray the season. He dances and rolls around in the grass as if he is seeing it all for the first time. That miracle, that moving blue, what do they call it? That green apron enveloping the land, what is its name? Who is the artist that did it? ‘There’s magic behind all that, boss.’ Basking in the sun’s warmth and the calm of nature, they feel that the body and soul are kneaded from the same material. The need to live life to the fullest is again expressed, doing things by halves is the reason the world is in the mess it is in today. God hates a half-devil ten times more than he hates an arch-devil. Zorba throws himself into life and is completely absorbed by his work, by whatever it is he resolves to do. He is happy because his life is full.

The narrator is impressed by the power of nature and notices how carefree  animals and humans like Zorba, who simply live by its dictates, doing what it compels them to do, are. That’s the road to take, find the eternal rhythm and follow it with absolute trust. The resurrection of Christ means little to Zorba. Nevertheless, he sees food as being resurrected as Zorba and channelled into dancing, sex or work. If he eats an animal he feels sorry for it, that he must do something to account for its sacrifice so that, through him, it becomes energy and is not wasted so that it fizzles into nothing. The food becomes Zorba so he cannot sit around or sleep, because it would then be lost on him and he would show himself to be ungrateful. Therefore, he goes out after the sound of music and dancing and tries to persuade the narrator to join him. If he were young he would throw himself headlong into everything, work, love, and he would fear neither God nor Devil. That is what youth is for.

He then goes off into the village. The narrator watches him go and his own body persuades him to go somewhere himself, without his mind coming to a decision. He finds himself at the woman’s house and repeats his companions words to gain courage and stays with her for the night. The next day his body is relaxed and his mind is at ease, as if he has solved the problems it has posed. He felt like an animal after the hunt that had caught and eaten its prey and now licked its lips with satisfaction. He became sure that the soul was the body and vice versa,  that caring for the one nourishes the other. He does not allow his mind to take control of this carnal joy, to make thoughts of it, but lets his body rejoice like an animal. He gazes around and within himself at the miracle of life, at the way our bodies perfectly fit within nature.

He then finishes his manuscript so he can be rid of the Buddha within him, so that the exorcising power of words overcome his torment and free him from his service to the life of the mind and the ideas that prevent him living. Nevertheless, he still has a long way to go. A tragedy befalls the woman and the narrator inhumanly transposes reality, removing the blood, flesh and bones to reduce it to the abstract. He cannot allow himself to feel it deeply so anything about what happened that enters his mind is met with philosophy, surrounded with artifices that make it harmless. He is coldly rational because he is out of touch with life, beyond feeling and afraid of emotion, because the suffering would prove too much for him, so he dissembles and resigns himself to fate because he has no passion with which to oppose it. Zorba curses luck and rages against God for allowing the young to die and the old to live on. In his pain, he says that he will never forgive God. That he would be ashamed to stand before him if he was a true God because everything that happens in the world is unjust.

Zorba’s sorrow makes him ashamed. That is what a real man is like. One with warm blood who lets real tears stream down his cheeks when he is suffering, who when happy does not ruin his joy with metaphysics. He allows himself to feel whatever it is deeply, with passion that cannot be extinguished until it expresses itself fully. He is a real human being with a heart who will fight for those he cares for and suffer with them out of love. His happiness and his suffering are experienced passionately with his whole being. He cannot help but feel everything deeply because he opens himself to life, allows it in without resistance, so that whatever happens affects him greatly. Life then reaches its fullest expression in him, it flows into him effortlessly and he responds to it passionately.

After his own mistress dies Zorba is grief stricken and asks the narrator why people die, but he replies that he does not know. This exasperates him, ‘what’s the point of all those books you read, if they don’t tell you that what do they tell you.’ The perplexity of mankind? ‘Damn their perplexity. I want you to tell me where we came from, where we’re going. You must have read 50 tons of paper over the years, what did you get out of them?’ He cannot answer him.

All he can proffer him is a new thought occasioned by the sombre presence of death. Humans feel sacred awe at our place in the universe, the earth is a small leaf on a tremendous tree whose other leaves are the stars. Some men reach the edge of the leaf and look out over its precipice, gazing into chaos. We imagine the frightening abyss before us and tremble. The great danger comes after this realisation that we are insignificant, some grow dizzy, others grow afraid and try to find an answer to strengthen their hearts, and they say ‘God’. Others look at the void calmly and welcome it, resigning themselves to necessity. Zorba cannot agree to this, he is unafraid of death but does not welcome it, will never offer his neck to Charon like a sheep ready for slaughter.

Silence reigns between them because of their grief and the eternal, vain questions force themselves on the narrator again. What is this world, what is it aiming at? The aim of man and matter is to create joy according to Zorba. But with what? Is there a soul that remains after the body, or is this desire for immortality born not from the fact that we are immortal but that during the short span of our lives we are in the service of something immortal, subject to nature itself.

Zorba finally breaks the silence, saying that every time he suffers it cracks his heart in two, that it is all scarred and riddled with wounds already, but sticks togetherso they can’t be seen. He can stand so much only because he is covered in healed wounds. Now, he has stopped thinking all the time about what happened yesterday and no longer asks himself what is going to happen tomorrow. What’s happening today, this minute, is all he cares about. What is he doing at the moment? If he’s sleeping, he should sleep well. If working, he works well. If kissing a woman, he kisses her well. He forgets everything while he is doing it, the rest of the world falls away and nothing else matters, it is only him and her. So he gets on with it.

Without the devil in us we would be empty so Zorba lets his demons do whatever they like such that some call him honest and others dishonest, some think him wise while others are convinced he’s crazy. Yet he’s all those things and more because he listens to his desires and follows them with passion, because living is for him an impulse. The narrator thinks about Zorba’s words which are rich in meaning and had a warm earthy smell. They came from the depths of his being and had a human warmth. Meanwhile, his words were made of paper. They came down from his head and were scarcely splashed with a spot of blood. If they had any value at all it was to that mere spot of blood that they owed it.

Luck is blind, it can’t see where it’s going and runs into the people who we call lucky.  Zorba doesn’t want it if it’s like that. He’ll take his own chances. This is his response to the pulley from the mine failing catastrophically. The narrator ends up losing everything, his money, his workers, but he still has what he sees as an unjustifiable happiness. In the labyrinth of necessity he had found liberty playing in the corner, and had played with her. When everything goes wrong, it can be a joy to test your soul to see if it has courage. An invisible enemy which some call the Devil, others God seems to rush upon us to destroy us, but we are not destroyed. Each time that we master ourselves though we remain externally defeated, we feel outward calamity turn into an unshakeable felicity. Men should behave toward blind but powerful necessity with boldness, addressing it with defiance ‘You won’t put my fire out, you won’t tip me over!’. After all, we should not wish for an easy life but the courage to endure a hard one.

Whatever the circumstances, however dire they may be, happiness is doing your duty and the harder the duty the greater the happiness. That duty is to live. Indeed, the soul of the first men on earth, before it became detached from the universe, felt the truth directly, without the distorting influence of reason. That is, our instincts have been finely tuned to respond appropriately to certain experiences, to understand signs around us and react to them in ways that will benefit us. Consequently, what we immediately feel inclined to do, our first impulse, is usually the right course. If we see a girl and would like to talk to her it is our nature that is telling us to, for we are social animals wired for human interaction. Reason comes in the way of this truth.

With reason we think we are fortifying ourselves against the unknown, erecting an impassable barrier around our existence. We imagine we can give security and order to our lives. This second line of defence holds in check the great certainty of our deaths which now and then penetrates the outer walls of our soul. Yet calming ourselves in this way means that our petty certainties go unchallenged. That we go from day to day as normal, doing the same things again and again, following a routine so that we become comfortable with everyday reality. But only by confronting the great certainty without the help of reason, feeling it coming toward us every moment, can we be struck by how our life is running away from us every second, never to return. Only then will we take it seriously and throw ourselves into living life to the fullest. Only when we feel deeply that death is coming for us all will we be convinced of the necessity to do everything we want to do before it finds us.

The narrator claims he is free and Zorba tells him he is not, that he is tied to a string that he must cut in two first. His string is perhaps longer than others and he can come and go but until he severs it he will never be free. To cut it means risking everything but because he has such a strong mind this is difficult for him. It always keeps account, never risks it all, but keeps something in reserve. It hangs on tight to the string, if it lets go, the head is finished. But if a man fails to break the string, there is no flavour in life. Any potential action is pre-empted by the mind, barred for fear of risking anything at all so that nothing is allowed to happen.

Reason will never break the string. A man can lack nothing but he needs folly to cut the string, to free himself. Otherwise, being reasonable, he sets limits on his impulses and desires, grows calmer, loses his passion for fear of opening himself up to the world. He cannot obey the savage clamour within him, does no insensate, noble act in keeping with his nature, if he listens to the moderating voice of logic.

Zorba, in his own words, has done heaps and heaps of things in his life, but still did not do enough. Men like him ought to live a thousand years. One cannot help but agree. His mindfulness of life is never affected by the restrictive powers of reason because it goes beyond him into the world. He focuses all his attention on what surrounds him and consequently has no time to stop and think. He devours life like it is a feast, never putting off until tomorrow what he could do today. Rather, he is filled with a zest for life that compels him to act without delay, to passionately go on living so that he can experience as much as is humanly possible before the great certainty.

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience

Happiness is down to us

Flow: The classic work on how to achieve happiness by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

Happiness is not something we passively experience. Rather, it is a state whose conditions must be met through our own efforts. Flow, when the mind is focused on a task so deeply that all else falls away, results in optimal experience, in moments where we feel larger than life and in control of ourselves. Optimal experience depends on our ability to control what happens in our consciousness, on being mindful of our experience and inner life. The optimal state of inner experience occurs when there is order in consciousness. That is, there are realistic goals which we employ our attention trying to reach. Controlling our psychic energy and directing it toward consciously chosen goals makes us grow.

Flow is the state of mind that results from a harmoniously ordered consciousness. Certain activities can cause flow but it can be developed across everything that we do, so that even the most menial tasks begin to appeal. An obstacle in the way of contentment is chronic dissatisfaction, wanting more only to receive it and want more still. The way out of this endless dance is to directly control experience and enjoy life as it happens, moment by moment. Happiness is our own task to fulfill.

It is hard to attain because the universe is indifferent to us and chaos reigns. The strategies we employ to account for this fail in the conquest of happiness and we do not feel contentment. Attempting to control external forces does not help us, rather we must focus on achieving inner harmony through mindfulness of every day experience. That is, once the mind sees rightly and interprets what happens to us in the right way, accepting it without grasping for more, we may move toward fulfilment.

Shields of culture such as religion, race and wealth have been used to fortify us against chaos. Presently however, ontological anxiety or existential dread has resulted from our realisation that we are not the centre of the universe, that our existence is objectively meaningless. The shields no longer protect us. Likewise, our focus on improving our lives materially in the expectation that an objectively better quality of life than those of our ancestors would make us happy falls flat. Instead, our focus must rest on improving the content of experience.

In order to reclaim experience we have to be able to feel a sense of purpose regardless of external circumstances. The process of socialisation has made the individual into a commodity whose use is whatever the society needs. The socialised person responds predictably to social controls such that rewards and punishments influence their behaviour. This works because the controls are based upon our biology, on our survival instinct. People work and offer their services docilely in order to survive. If something is postponed they are happy to wait for the raise, for reputation, for happiness. So long as they are paid enough to live on, they are satisfied with their lot. In the light of these social controls, the rewards and punishments that compel us, in order to improve our experience we must be able to find rewards in every moment.

The ongoing stream of experience must be regarded as intrinsically valuable – meaning must be found in living itself. Power is ours when rewards are no longer dependant on outside forces. When we are as unaffected by an advert as we are by the likes we receive. When it fails to bother us how someone acts toward us, only then can we control consciousness and the quality of our experience. If the socially conditioned stimulus-response patterns influence our biological inclinations, if we desire sex because our genes compel us and we see something that puts us in mind of this, we are operated on by outside forces. Even after overcoming social controls we must wrestle with our instinctual urges, as the desires of the body also come in the way of mastering our minds.

The control of consciousness determines our quality of life because it allows us to improve the quality of experience. ‘Know thyself’ is a famous maxim precisely because it is an intuition that our happiness depends on us. Masters of meditation have learned to control consciousness of pain and pleasure, to resist sexual urges and hunger. The aim is then to free inner life from chaos and to overcome biological urges, in the process vaulting the social controls that exploit both. Controlling consciousness allows us to choose what enters our minds, and in this way the quality of our experience is our own affair.

Anatomy of Consciousness

Those who take care to master consciousness live happier lives. A phenomenological model of consciousness based on information theory holds that conscious events are occurring, and we direct their course. That is, while consciousness has arisen from our biology, it has developed the ability to independently direct itself. A person can remain happy regardless of what is going on outside precisely because they can control the content of consciousness. They can choose which thoughts and feelings to give sway to. Consciousness can then be described as intentionally ordered information. We form intentions based on our perceived needs and admit only the information that will help us to meet these into our consciousness. We then decide what is important to us and in this way we control our subjective realities. The information we allow into consciousness is consequently extremely important; it determines the content and quality of life.

Attention is psychic energy generated by the nervous system. Information enters consciousness when we intentionally focus our attention on it or when attentional habits with roots in biological or social instruction compel us to. A person in control of consciousness is able to direct attention at will to whatever goal they are occupied with and keep it focused until it is completed.

Attention is energy because it can be directed at particular tasks but not at others and has to be focused intentionally if we are to achieve our goals or it will be wasted on trivialities. We create ourselves with attention because we choose what to think, feel and remember by focusing it. It is then our biggest asset in improving the quality of our experience and ordering our consciousness.  It is however exhaustive and can only be used a certain amount. It is therefore wasted on music, movies and pastimes by most so that when it comes to reading, writing and growing it has been expended. Choose what to pay attention to wisely, for the choice will decide what enters your consciousness, and what guides your life.

The self, the ‘I’ is also a content of consciousness. Circularity obtains in its line of causality such that attention determines the self through the thoughts, feeling and memories focused on, and the self also decides what to pay attention to in line with the goals resulting from our identities.

Information that adversely affects consciousness and prevents us fulfilling our intentions, anxiety or boredom, will direct attention to undesirable objects so that we can no longer wield it toward our desired task. Psychic entropy, or inner disorder, results when information that conflicts with our goals disrupts consciousness and makes it less effective. Admitting this kind of information will make it harder to invest attention and pursue goals.

An outside event occurs purely as information, and whether it is positive or negative is up to us and depends upon whether it helps us to achieve our goals. New information will either create disorder in consciousness or free up psychic energy, depending on whether it threatens or reinforces our goals.

When attention brings new information into awareness that is congruent with our goals, psychic energy flows in a state of optimal experience. This is the opposite to psychic entropy and more attention is freed to focus on the environment. There is no questioning our adequacy or worrying, one can focus on themselves and find the evidence encouraging, that one is doing well.

Optimal experiences are situations where attention can be freely invested toward a goal in the absence of disorder or a threat to the self. This Flow is the opposite of psychic entropy, and is also known as negentropy, because those who attain it use most of their psychic energy to develop confidence pursing goals they have chosen. When consciousness can be ordered to experience flow quality of life improves because what we do becomes meaningful. In flow psychic energy is controlled and whatever we do adds order to consciousness. There is a battle between energy and entropy, attention and disorder, which means that happiness and flow require disciplined concentration and order in consciousness. We must own and direct our attention.

Flow grows us by increasing our complexity though differentiation and integration. Differentiation refers to our becoming unique and separating from others. Integration is a union with others. We must have both to relate appropriately to others for too much differentiation means arrogance while too much integration would mean self-effacement. A healthy medium is needed for the right complexity in an individual and the flow state results in it. When we do something for its own sake, focus on an act as an end and stretch our concentration to complete it, we enjoy it and grow. Flow makes the present more enjoyable and builds the self-confidence that allows us to develop skills. In order to attain the condition we must use our attention intentionally and focus on goals worthy of us.

Enjoyment and the quality of life

To increase happiness we have two options; we can either change external conditions to suit our goals or change our way of looking at what is outside us so they better match our goals. However, neither achieves much by itself for external things such as wealth or even education have little bearing on our happiness. Those in the most affluent countries are still unhappy in parts and even the very richest are only slightly happier than those on average wages. Consequently, it becomes apparent that our quality of life is determined by controlling our consciousness in such a way that external conditions, whatever they may be, do not influence it more than is necessary. What matters is how we feel about ourselves and how we view what happens to us, the quality of experience is what improves life.

While most see pleasure as increasing happiness this is not the case. It merely gives the body a restorative homeostatic experience by fulfilling a need, whether biological or social. That is, we feel pleasure after eating because hunger is satiated, or feel good after sex because our biology dictates that passing our genes on should be encouraged, but here all that occurs is a return to order. We merely gratify a need without going beyond it. In other words, we avoid psychic entropy that prevents us from working while we are hungry, but following this there is no real psychological growth. It does not create new order in consciousness and fails to add to our complexity.

Enjoyment is experienced when we go beyond our calling, when, having met our needs, we accomplish something further and seek out and find novelty. We look back on these experiences and see that we have grown more complex, have become different people. Though we may not have enjoyed the public speech during it or appreciated the conversation, the battle across a chess board, in hindsight we regard these events as deeply enjoyable and lust after their recurrence.

While pleasure requires no real attention and results in no growth, psychic energy is invested in enjoyable activities. Attention has to be fully concentrated on the activity for us to feel enjoyment and this results in a complex self that is growing through stretching its limits and gaining new abilities. In children, learning has no extrinsic reward and is done for its own sake, because it is enjoyable. Many cease to regard learning in this vein and make it into a means with an end that lies outside the activity itself, perhaps because they are trying to impress someone or pass a test. Nevertheless, this approach takes the growth out of the process, for only when we are intensely concentrated, consumed as it were by the task at hand, will we gain new abilities and enjoy the process of becoming increasingly complex as human beings. Only a flow state will move us forward. While life can be pleasurable without enjoyment this will rely on luck, on external conditions being right. If however, we are to control the quality of our own lives we must find ways of feeling enjoyment daily, and in doing so understand how to improve our quality of life.

Elements of Enjoyment

What people do to feel enjoyment varies, but how they describe it is similar the world over. Enjoyment has eight components the knowledge of which will help us to control consciousness and turn even the most uninteresting daily occurrences into events that make us grow.

A challenging activity that requires skills

Enjoyment becomes possible when the activity is challenging enough to require our having certain skills in order to complete it. There must be a balance between the challenge, and the skills at our disposal. Reading is one enjoyable activity because we have literacy skills that are used to understand the plot, the historical context and the authors ideas, so that we may predict what might happen next. Socialising is also enjoyable but only when the skills of the individual meet the challenge. A shy person will therefore fail to find enjoyment because they lack the skills.  Every day events can be made into challenges requiring skills with some ingenuity. However, the challenges need to be matched by a person’s capacity to act. That is, a chess player has to play someone his level while an athlete needs to face an opponent with similar ability. 

Merging of action and awareness

Once our skills are being occupied by an enjoyable activity our attention is absorbed by it. Psychic energy is consumed by it so that none is left over. Optimal experiences then make us inseparable from whatever it is we are doing so that we remain aware of the action as something spontaneous and automatic, because it flows so effortlessly. We cannot be separated from the act we are performing. We no longer question ourselves and are carried by the flow. Our concentration is focused completely on the task and we act out of necessity to meet it. There is no time to reflect, nor interest in doing so, all that matters is the act itself.

Clear goals and feedback

There must be an idea of what needs to be achieved and criteria, however ambiguous, by which this can be measured. Once one comes closer to the goal or perceives themselves as having achieved it there is order in consciousness and strengthening of the self. Any feedback can be enjoyable if logically related to a goal one has invested psychic energy into.

Concentration of the task at hand

Our attention is so concentrated that any worries or doubt, or physic entropy, is kept at bay. Flow improves the quality of experience precisely because the clearly structured demands of the activity give order and prevent disorder in consciousness. Anything outside of the enjoyable activity is no longer of any consequence and it is completed across a landscape defined by clear goals and feedback which becomes a world unto itself. It creates order in consciousness because our concentration on a task with clear goals and feedback results in psychic negentropy.

Paradox of control

Enjoyable activities give us a sense of control that remains unavailable in every day life where a mistake would potentially have greater consequences. The chess player may lose but is not consumed by doubts, though he may be wary where appropriate. Flow presents a world without entropy, where we do not have complete control, but can explore our power to gain it without fear of repercussions if we do not. The potentiality for control makes us want the actuality, though we may never possess it. This grasping increases order in consciousness but may lead to addiction if our escapes from reality leave us disdainful of the ambiguities of life.

Loss of self-consciousness

When we are concentrated on an enjoyable activity we forget ourselves and leave our egos at the door. We no longer see ourselves as apart from the world, but feel a union with the environment. We do things automatically without stopping to think about the mechanics of how. We are carried along without having to introspect. Self-consciousness is how we determine whether there is a threat to us. Preoccupation with self wastes psychic energy because we often feel threatened by strangers or by what others may think.  During enjoyable activities and flow there are clear goals and stable rules which do not require our bringing in this aspect of the self. It is a matter of indifference whether or not we are being looked at in a particular way because we know what we need to do and are focusing on that task, so that everything else falls away. We remain self-aware during optimal experience and there is psychic energy being expended.

Loss of self-consciousness is then neither a loss of self or consciousness but a loss of consciousness of the self. We cease to regard ourselves as objects of thought to be doubted and judged but allow this to fall outside our awareness so no attention is wasted on it during the activity. We may then paradoxically experience self-transcendence as we grow during an experience that expands the self to new proportions. The loss of self-consciousness temporarily then adds to our self-concept after.

During the activity our attention is so concentrated on meeting the goals while expanding our skills that everything else is discarded, including thoughts of ourselves. If this did not occur it would not be a flow experience as psychic energy would be wasted on psychic entropy and it would fail to add to our complexity. After the activity we reflect on how the self has changed and see that we have new skills and have achieved something.

Transformation of time  

Time flows differently during a flow experience and oftentimes we find ourselves finishing the activity hours later without having kept track of it. At the very least this confirms to us that we have been enjoying the activity, for time would drag on if we had not.

Autotelic experience

The key element of an optimal experience is that it is an end in itself. Flow experiences are self-contained activities that are intrinsically rewarding. Most of the things we do in every day life are exotelic in that external rewards encourage us to undertake them. Only when the activity becomes an end in itself, something we do for its own sake, can it consume our attention fully. If we are doing it for the consequences and those are obscured we may lose motivation. If however, we are doing it because we regard it as itself meaningful we will continue to do it. Most activities require effort that can make them seem difficult but once the person’s skills begin to match the challenges presented it begins to be intrinsically rewarding. Psychic energy is not wasted on a future goal and life is justified in the present. Flow experiences add to the strength and complexity of the self but their power must be used to enrich life, on complex autotelic experiences, rather than ones that may affect others beside us.

Conditions of Flow

Optimal experience occurs during a goal-bound activity with clear rules which one is so concentrated toward that self-consciousness disappears and effortless attention is held. This state usually occurs during a structured activity, through our own efforts as opposed to spontaneously. Games fill us with this enjoyment, while our daily tasks give rise to boredom. Improving experience requires understanding why the one is more enjoyable than the other, and what can be done to bridge the gap to satisfy the conditions of flow more often.

Games have been created in order to give rise to the flow state, to create enjoyment. They have been contrived with clear rules to be used across a closed system. Within its confines our skills are constantly refined by the challenges faced, and should these match there is inevitably growth of self and an increase in our complexity. Many flow activities are therefore designed to precisely that end and games such as chess will remain sources of enjoyment.

There are four types of games: Agon, Alea, Ilinx and Mimicry. Agonistic games rely on competition, these are sports and games such as chess. The etymology of ‘competition’ itself comes from latin, where it means to seek together; by challenging each other we grow our ability.  However, if an activity is picked up for competition only then the flow state will become harder to reach, because it will no longer be done for its own sake. Aleatory activities involve chance, and because these involve just enough control for a person to feel enjoyment, they result in flow. The luck involved does not dissuade them, but this is not a replicable way of creating enjoyment, as games of poker may go either way and addictions can develop. Vertigo or ilinx refers to those activities which change consciousness for a while, this could involve the use of psychedelics like magic mushrooms which momentarily modify consciousness so that one can enjoy reality in a different way, see as though through new eyes. Nevertheless, when it fades there is a return to normal consciousness. Mimicry are escapes from reality through fantasy, where one changes themselves into more than they are. Daydreaming is an example, as are acting and dancing, or the creation or appreciation of art. We identify with something greater than us and feel affinity with it in order to feel more important. Religion is perhaps the best example and is in fact one of the most important attempts at creating order in consciousness through a cosmic order. Today, it is no longer so convincing and secularised activities are what most seek flow in.

Flow activities cause optimal experience when the skills being used are met by the challenge at hand so that there is no room for thinking about ourselves, or anything else. Depending on where we stand in our development in the activity this may mean increasing or decreasing the difficulty to avoid anxiety and boredom. If our skills are greater than the challenges faced, we will become bored. Think of playing football against someone smaller than you, they can’t get to it and you walk while they run aimlessly. Conversely, if our skills are not enough to meet the challenges, we will become anxious. If I were to play the world champion at chess I would not enjoy the experience. The flow channel, where skills and challenges are close enough to create flow, is then the space in which we strive to remain. This will mean increasing the difficulty when we feel we are no longer being challenged, or working harder to meet challenges that seem beyond us. An optimal experience that requires high skills to meet a difficult challenge is more meaningful than one that does not, because it adds to our complexity and grows the self.

Though flow is achieved in this way the objective conditions of a flow activity will depend on consciousness. While chess may be enjoyable to me when I am challenged enough this is not the case for others. It is the same for me with painting as I cannot sustain interest long enough for my skills to face any challenge. Whether or not an activity can be enjoyable depends on how we view it. If we do find it worthwhile, then we should aim to keep the demands of the activity in line with our skill, so that we act within the flow channel and create enjoyment.

Different cultures cannot be compared morally but levels of enjoyment can offer some barometer of their respective ‘values’. Psychic entropy is prevalent in many preliterate cultures where superstition is still guiding actions. However, some materially poor tribes lead lives full of enjoyment, where they all engage in a wide range of activities outside their primary role and experience flow often. Culture sets out rules by which a person is expected to live and which are intended prescriptively. The aim is to ward off chaos in a populace but whether or not people are happy depends upon whether the culture is structured in such a way that their skills are challenged across society. While games fill up our ‘free’ time culture encompasses more but its effect ultimately depends upon the individual, who chooses how to interpret its decrees through control of consciousness.

The individual needs to control consciousness before flow becomes possible. External conditions such as the activities one engages in will not result in enjoyment if there is not order in consciousness. In order for us to enjoy the most basic tasks that we must do every day we must ourselves be receptive to enjoying them.

Some are able to enjoy ordinary experiences while others are bored by them. This lies in part because they are better able to control consciousness and direct psychic energy in a way conducive to effortless attention. Those that are self-conscious find it harder to achieve flow because their attention is wrapped up in themselves. That is, their attention is too rigid to be extended to activities outside the self, to the outside world of which they are part.

In extreme conditions in nature, such as those eskimos in Antarctica experience, there remain opportunities for flow such as singing. It is not so much the external conditions as our approach to them. Social restrictions to flow are anomie, a lack of order, and alienation. Anomie means we no longer have a clear sense of our goals, perhaps because there is an economic crisis or an event with unpredictable consequences which gives us anxiety. Alienation means we have a clear idea of what we would like but society denies us their fulfilment, resulting in boredom.

For those in hopeless situations, whether solitary confinement in an oppressive regime or a concentration camp, flow became possible in the most simple ways. Examining the details of their cells, constantly holding their surroundings up to scrutiny, playing chess games in their heads, imagining different places and times. Even when our freedom is restricted we can enjoy the small things. The limits of our freedom confine our capacities for enjoyment but all this means is our activities must be simpler in line with the circumstances, but still require some challenge. Though objective conditions are dire we can subjectively control experience.

By controlling consciousness, the one thing that cannot be externally influenced, we decide what to pay attention to and guide our own life. This attitude is a non-self consciousness individualism, that is, we have a meaningful purpose that is not self-seeking. We forget ourselves in our adversity and focus on the environment, and do so for its own sake. In fact focusing outwardly on external objects, on having an active relationship with the world, is the way to happiness.  We need to lose sight of ourselves and our shortcomings and look out at the world around us, where we can find some new idea, embrace new ways of thinking and interact with others.

Body in Flow

Flow can be found by using our body to feel enjoyment and controlling the way in which our senses are employed. We can learn to really taste food, to listen to music attentively and to watch with full focus. Activities that use our bodies can be structured so that they are conducive to flow. Running can become a challenge which we rise to in order to meet the goals we set. More generally, our senses could be used more purposefully so that we truly control consciousness. We can then explore almost unlimited enjoyment through our many senses, through what we can touch, see and hear. By concentrating on these we can begin to exert control over the way in which our bodies are used and find flow throughout the day.

Through pushing our bodies to improve we can find enjoyment in a wide range of physical activities. Any of these can become sources of enjoyment provided the conditions for flow are met and we control the task to ensure this.

Physical acts will result in flow provided the following criteria are met. There must be an overall goal for the activity with as many sub-goals as are necessary to reach it. We must also be able to measure progress as we edge toward it. One must concentrate on what they are doing and draw finer distinctions as they go on.  A person must develop the skills necessary to meet the opportunities available, or raise the stakes if the activity becomes boring.

In the case of running I can set a goal of a 5-minute mile with sub-goals of 6 minutes and 7 minutes to meet first. I measure my progress through timing myself over the distance. I am concentrating on the run and shaving my time down by pacing myself and deciding upon the best places to speed up and slow down in order to improve. Naturally, I will have to improve my running ability in order to meet the goals I set myself. Should I become bored I can add sprints into the run or even a parachute.

Enjoyment depends not on what you do, but how you do it. Running without a purpose might become draining because a person is forcing themselves to do it and is not really likely to enjoy the process. By setting goals to aspire to we can give ourselves something worth our attention. In fact, even the most expensive leisure activities result in less enjoyment than those in which we invest more of ourselves. This is because there is a higher investment of psychic energy. Leisure that uses up external resources requires less attention and is not as rewarding. Watching tv is generally less enjoyable than talking to others or reading because we put less of ourselves into the process.

Dance can be a source of enjoyment and flow once one loses themselves in the process. On a dancefloor one becomes consumed by the music, forgets themselves, and goes along with their feeling. In these moments we express ourselves honestly, without caring what others think of us, how we may look, but move almost impulsively. The rhythm decides our movement and we fall into it without a care.

Sex is arguably the most enjoyable activity we can engage in, perhaps because evolution has meant we have evolved to desire procreation, but most derive only pleasure from it because they lack the attention to find flow. In some relationships sex even grows stale as the same partner no longer presents new challenges. Moreover, sex can sometimes cause psychic energy to be redirected away from necessary goals. It becomes an addiction for some and the enjoyment is taken out of the act, so that it turns into a compulsion they cannot overcome.

In order to avoid this and instead find flow and enjoyment through sex three elements must be accounted for, each in turn. Eroticism focuses on the purely physical, on finding new ways to relate to your partner through touch. However, by itself this does little as pleasure will gradually fade as one gets used to their partner. The art of love brings in the psychological aspect so that the relationship itself is developed, the partners talk and share feelings, or seduce each other. This is itself a source of flow as one can lose themselves in the process of relating to someone romantically. The last element comes after physical pleasure and enjoyment of a romantic relationship; it is a genuine care for a partner which means new challenges develop, those of getting to know a unique individual, understanding her, and helping to fulfil her goals.

Of course, these increase enjoyment and add to the complexity of the relationship so that it cannot grow stale. Rather, both partners grow as a couple and find flow and enjoyment in each other’s company.

In Yoga the flow experience becomes possible because there is control over consciousness. A person must learn to control their senses and to overcome psychic entropy in order to attain peace of mind. Through various stages one gradually learns the skills to control consciousness and achieve optimal experience through meditation.

Martial arts in eastern traditions focus upon the mental and spiritual qualities of the individual. Those who are skilled talk of flow experiences where the usual duality of mind and body instead merge to achieve a one-pointedness of mind where their focus is laser-like. They no longer reason about the best attack or defence but are carried along by their first impression. Such a warrior is so attentive that all else is secondary, and the fight becomes something they control, precisely because they direct their consciousness at will.

The use of the senses can lead to flow and an unlimited amount of enjoyment if psychic energy is invested in them. This is true of all flow activities, without the necessary skills, we cannot expect to find enjoyment.

Works of art can have profound effects on us if we look closely enough and really survey the canvas. Most lazily cast their eyes over a painting and forget it, never really understanding its meaning or purpose. Those who really see go beyond the painting itself and find enrichment intellectually and sensually.

Moreover, every day views can also become beautiful and worthy of the full employment of our sight. If we train our eyes we can see the beauty in nature. Even our cities can become stunning; what we see every day can take on a new hue provided we look attentively enough.

Music offers many endless pleasure, but few really learn to find enjoyment in the process. Rather, they listen mindlessly and are not really paying attention to anything other than the sound. In other words, they are hearing but not listening. In order for us to find enjoyment and flow while listening to music the experience must be sensory, analogic and analytic. Music is a sensory experience because we are using our sense of hearing to pick up the sound. Analogic experiences are those that evoke feelings and moods, such that a song that results in flow will have us feeling a certain way. Analytic experiences will have us focus on the way the music is structured and why, or on the meaning of the lyrics themselves. We ask ourselves what the music conveys and find enjoyment in picking it apart and truly listening.

Music is also a key part of culture and social order such that in the past it has been used to signify various events across innumerable civilisations. Even now, concerts provide ‘collective effervescence’, we feel we belong to a group that has concrete existence and feel affinity with the crowd. That we have evolved using music to control our feelings since the dawn of civilisation means that it is one of the most common ways in which to find enjoyment and flow, but this only obtains if we really listen.

Cultivating a discriminating palate for its own sake will lead to a new range of flow experiences where we become absorbed by the food we eat and are aware of the sense of taste to such a degree that the process becomes more pleasurable. Most of the time we eat without really tasting the food and finish it as quickly as possible. However, as one of the essential things we have to do every day, eating is an ideal activity to find flow through.

Our bodies provide many sources of enjoyment and opportunities for flow, so many in fact that we are hard pressed to find time for them all. As a result, we may only become dilettantes in most while mastering a select few. Nevertheless, controlling our bodies and fully employing our senses will help us to control consciousness and find optimal experiences every day.  

Flow in Thought

Wonder is the feeling that results from a flow experience achieved through thought. Especially through subjects such as philosophy or science we become awed by what we think on, the questions to be solved. While most activities will involve both the body and the mind, some are almost exclusively dependent on the mental aspect. Mental activities will have the same flow conditions as any other activity, as clear goals and feedback give us reason to invest attention.

The natural state of the mind is chaos, consciousness is usually beset by psychic entropy, by worries and problems which we wish to avoid. As a result of this desire to beat down pain we watch tv, investing very little psychic energy in the process. Though reading or talking to others would be better for us, we pick the easy choice precisely because we can put little effort into it, and not have to order attention to forget our demons.

The most obvious flow activity requiring thought is reading but even here attention must be directed. Most read books for a few pages and trail off, thinking about something else while they mechanically skim the lines. Ironically, daydreaming itself is a flow activity because it can be used to deal with events we anticipate. Before we are in the situation we can anticipate the different possibilities, what might happen or what might be said, and in this way use our skills to meet the challenge in the best way possible. It is a skill few children develop but, if used constructively, can be helpful, though it is done at the expense of reality.

The Greeks personified memory as Mnemosyne, the mother of the muses, who was responsible for the creation of science. Given that memory is the mental skill from which all others derive it is only right to accord it such a distinction. The primacy of memory is evident, without it we could not engage in any meaningful conversation, let alone flow activities leading to optimal experience. The rules of any game or activity must be memorised before one can even begin to take part in it. A strong memory makes this process easier and allows us to more quickly come up to speed with the demands of any goal-bound activity.

Memory also brings more enjoyment into our lives because external stimulation is no longer needed to feel satisfaction. Instead, a person can amuse themselves with their own mind and think on the information they have learnt. A quote relevant in the moment, or a song that they particularly enjoy, even a position on a chessboard, can all act as sources of enjoyment. In each case the process of remembering serves to fulfil a goal that brings order to consciousness.  

Nevertheless, in order to memorise anything we must be intrinsically motivated to do so. We can only sustain attention if we are interested in the subject we wish to learn about. Once we have found such a topic it will not feel as tiresome to learn the content as it is when we are forced to cram for an exam. Rather, it will be pleasant to learn more about something of lasting fascination to us. As we amass these pieces of information we have chosen to store in memory we feel a sense of ownership, that they connect to us in some way, if only because we have made the effort to recall them because we find them meaningful.

Memory is essential but words allow us to order experience, by helping us to build up symbolic systems in which stimuli can be stored. Without such a system allowing us to order information, consciousness will remain chaotic even if we possess strong memories. As such our capacity for memory depends on the symbolic systems we have recourse to, which themselves give rise to abstract thinking.

Thinking itself is pleasurable to such an extent that the great philosophers were motivated not by material rewards but by the enjoyment thinking gave them. The flow of thought led many to be labelled ‘absent-minded’ when their seeming lack of awareness was instead order in consciousness, for their minds were absorbed with their ideas. Democritus was especially known for his unworldliness but this only meant that he had learnt to enjoy life by controlling consciousness.

The power of thought can be realised once the symbolic systems and the rules constituting them help to create a self-contained world within the mind. This will allow us to order our thinking independently of external reality because we have internal rules to fall back on. An internalised symbolic system will help to ward off the media so that our mind is truly our own and we ignore those who claim to have the answers. If it does not provide its own information, chaos reigns in the mind. It is up to us whether order comes from outside of us, from what we have no control over, or organically from within, through our own skills and knowledge.

Conversation can improve our quality of experience provided we invest enough energy into engaging fully. It also confirms our sense of the universe to us as we understand ourselves and the world around us through comments made during small talk, about the weather for example, which tell us that reality is as it seems.

Writing is a rich source of enjoyment which gives order to consciousness when used to create information. It gives the mind a disciplined means of expression that helps us to record our experiences, which can then be recalled in the future with the memories of the feelings we had at the time we took our thoughts down coming back to us. It is then also a way of understanding our experiences which, through introspection, are given order.  

Of course, writing to escape reality has been the task of many novelists. It helped them to ameliorate the feelings of depression and anxiety which they struggled with so that some semblance of order was imposed among their confusion of feelings. If however, these proved too painful the worlds they created may have been a refuge in which to escape a troubling reality. Of course, such an obsession denies us fulfilment if we close ourselves to the world, as our range of experience becomes limited and there may be other ways to deal with events. All the same, when writing is used to control experience rather than our minds it leads to great rewards.

Clio, the patroness of History, was the eldest daughter of Mnemosyne. Her role was to keep orderly accounts of past events. This process can be satisfying because the events we remember, or which we choose to focus on most, are usually pleasant ones and we can order our own histories. Personal identity itself is then tied up with the past so that we are historians of our own existence. Making sense of the past by ordering a sequence of events consequently brings order to consciousness. Indeed, in the closing stages of our lives we may set ourselves the task of achieving ‘integrity’, bringing together a meaningful story encompassing what we accomplished and what was left undone.

Leaving aside our own identities, remembering is enjoyable because it improves the quality of life. We can leave the present moment to revisit the past, not necessarily to escape its tyranny, but to think about pleasant times. Arranging moments into a sequence is also a necessary part of being a conscious being. Keeping a journal is a great way to achieve flow and order the events of our own personal histories.

In order to think scientifically all that is required is an objective outlook which pays attention to the facts, takes into account past observations, and aims to find regularities underlying these. It is not necessary to be a scientist to enjoy a way of thinking. Rather, we need only have opens minds and humility so that we can reject beliefs unsupported by facts and remain sceptical until we find an answer.

The difficulty of the problems raised also mean we have to use all our faculties in order to understand phenomena. In physics the theory of general relativity is ingenious, even paradoxical, but it is this puzzling aspect which makes it so interesting to learn. Through taking up these thought experiments and ideas we stretch our mind to its limits, resulting in flow, and improving the quality of our lives through considering a new worldview.  

Philosophy means ‘love of wisdom’, and in ancient Greece this was the sole reason philosophers undertook its study. Presently, however academics specialise in order to find work in the discipline. They begin with what interests them and gradually come to their niche. As with anything else we can only motivate ourselves to learn what interests us and by reading more widely we can more quickly chance upon it.

It is essential to make our own way through the philosophers at the forefront of the various sub-disciplines we are interested by. We could look to the ethics of Spinoza, the metaphysics of Kant, and Wittgenstein’s language. The point is to make whatever path we take truly our own by being particular about what we would like to know the most about. Of course, the goal of philosophy is to think rightly, rather than to specialise so that we know more and more about less and less. All the same, once we have found something that holds our attention, the process of learning becomes enjoyable and effortless.

To be called an amateur or dilettante in a given activity is usually derogatory, and at the very least suggests the person’s performances are not up to professional standards. Both words used to mean that the person loved or enjoyed what they were doing. Nowadays, the focus is no longer on the quality of experience but on the quality of performance. However, the former should take precedence because our enjoyment improves the quality of our lives.

As with the scholar, the amateur may focus more on extrinsic than intrinsic goals. Just as the academic that wants to be well known cares more about a desire for recognition and applause than their interest in learning, a dilettante may try to advance their own interests and boost their egos. Material rewards become more important than using a symbolic discipline to extend mental skills and create order in consciousness. For any mental activity to bring enjoyment the goal must be to improve experience through increasing the complexity of our own minds.

After leaving school most stop learning as there is no longer any necessity to do so. Nevertheless, if we require extrinsic goals such as a grade or job to encourage us to learn our lives will be guided by others, ‘experts’ laying claim to a truth they never possessed. Consequently, it is important for the end of university to be the start of intrinsically motivated learning which helps us to find meaning in our experience and relate to what is happening around us better. Only then can we experience the joy of the thinker, who lets the flow of their mind take them where it will.

Work as Flow

Doing something we love every day which requires great skill will add complexity to the self because we learn new things that bring us enjoyment. On the other hand, working a 9-5 under compulsion to make ends meet is entropic because these jobs will usually be unskilled and uninteresting to us. In the one case we have a chance to find fulfillment through realising our ability and exerting control over the difficult tasks before us. In the other we must repeat the same dreaded routine to be able to afford our expenses, without being remotely interested by it.

This is a mistake that many people make and for lack of imagination they waste their lives doing the same job because it is comfortable and covers their bills. Yet our work is what we will spend the majority of our lives doing. It is then essential to our contentment that what we do for a living is enjoyable. Even if this means starting a career in a field which we love but have little experience in, it will be worth the effort because we will spend our lives doing something that will make us happy. In any case, it is better to be at the bottom of a ladder that you want to climb than halfway up one you don’t. If we listen to friends and family only taking into account the material rewards we may end up doing something that we hate years later, when a mid-life crisis might point out that we should have chosen for ourselves. It is our life after all.

The more attention we pay to material goals, and the harder these are, the more effort we will have to put in to achieve them. That is, the more we desire the more we will have to give up, to reach our aim. However, if work is at best a means to an end we will spend most of our lives wishing we were somewhere else, and the days will drag on. We have to enjoy what we do. While the majority of people find work boring and repetitive there are those who find new opportunities for action which bring them enjoyment by improving their complexity. Work as a flow activity is the best way to fulfil human potentialities. ‘Human nature’ can be created through work so that we go from animals guided by instinct to skilled and conscious beings with goals to achieve.

Yu, in Chinese Philosophy, is the right way of following the path, Tao. It is the way to live, spontaneously, without concern for external rewards. Once a skill has been learnt the state depends on finding new opportunities for action in our environment, which leads to a gradual mastery that makes it seem effortless. Even seemingly meaningless tasks can be made enjoyable if they are transformed into complex activities. Individuals can do this by paying full attention to the task at hand, losing themselves in the process so that they can develop skills, and emerge more complex people afterward as a result of the investment of psychic energy. Enjoyable work feels like it is freely chosen and improves the quality of experience and our lives.

While developing an autotelic personality will allow one to find opportunities for action in even menial work another option is to pick a job that is conducive to flow. The more it resembles a game, with variety, challenges and goals, and clear feedback, the greater the enjoyment. Football is an example of such a job as the skills of the individual are challenged by the opponent. More generally, the quality of our experience during work can be transformed by making it conform to the conditions of flow. This can be achieved by constantly setting ourselves challenges and expanding our skills to meet these.

Nevertheless, it is prudent to consider both sides so that our work is redesigned to be like a flow activity and we also develop an autotelic personality that helps us to recognise the opportunities for action, to hone our skills and set goals. Combined, these two strategies will make work enjoyable and lead to optimal experience.

Perhaps surprisingly, studies show that individuals enjoy time working more than they do time spent at home, that they are more likely to experience flow because they must use their skills to meet challenges. Why then, does work feel like a chore? The obvious reason is that we have come to regard it as wider society does, as something we have to do whether or not we would like to. Indeed, many work to further someone else’s goal rather than their own. The apathy we have toward working is then the result of our feeling that attention is being invested in something outside our own aims against our will, and that time to achieve our own goals is being wasted. People see jobs as a burden imposed from the outside, which distracts from their long-term plans and takes away a part of their lives. Even if some moments are enjoyable, overall, we are not fulfilling our aspirations.

Our satisfaction at work is prevented by three common complaints. Firstly, there might be a lack of variety and challenge, especially in low-skilled or routine work. Overcoming this may necessitate perceiving new opportunities and taking a better perspective on our jobs as they usually do involve challenges which we must be skilled to meet, hence the pay. Secondly, other people may come in the way of our goals so that conflict occurs, but here it must be understood that everyone has their own agenda but is aiming toward the same overall goal in the workplace. This would then mean working more closely so that we understand our colleagues’ roles as they do ours and progress can be made. Thirdly, stress and a lack of time to spend with family or to enjoy our hobbies comes in the way of our contentment. It is however the most amenable to the control of consciousness as stress depends on a subjective view of objective conditions and we can do a lot to alleviate it. Some may find the same situation overwhelming while others enjoy the challenge it presents. In order to be more like the latter we can choose leisure activities that help to calm us, such as meditation. Generally, overcoming stress will mean focusing our psychic energy on personally forged goals, while ignoring distractions.

While work is structured with challenges and clear goals and feedback our free time is usually unstructured and an effort must be made to fill it with pastimes that make it enjoyable. Hobbies that demand skill, habits that set goals and limits, as well as personal interests, and especially inner discipline will make our free time what it should be, a chance to create ourselves.

Yet, instead of using our mental and physical resources to experience flow we spend most of our time going to football games instead of playing in them, listening to music rather than learning an instrument, or paying to see paintings without even thinking to create our own art. These are inferior substitutes for investing our attention in real challenges; where the flow experience resulting from the use of skills leads to growth, passive entertainment leads nowhere. The energy that could be used for complex goals that bring enjoyment is instead wasted on patterns of stimulation that mimic reality. Watching tv absorbs psychic energy while providing little in return.

Unless we take charge of our work and free time, both are likely to be unfulfilling. We must appropriate them for our needs by learning to enjoy our work and never wasting our free time, so that our lives become enjoyable.  This means educating ourselves to use our leisure wisely.

Enjoying Solitude and Other People

Studies show that the quality of life depends on two factors: how we experience work and our relations with other people. Our self is defined by what happens in our relationships with others, and how we hold ourselves in ‘love and work’ is important for our happiness. Being in the company of other people can greatly improve experience if we manage our relationships well. All the same, we must also be able to stand alone, to enjoy ourselves in solitude. Indeed, most of our work has to be done by us, without anyone else around. It is then essential to be able to find enjoyment when left to our own devices. Consciousness must be controlled during solitude.  

It is a fact that we are social animals as people are most happy around friends and family, in the company of others. Of course, we are biologically programmed to seek out company because cooperation as hunter-gatherers gave us an advantage. Moreover, as we gradually learned to master nature and create our own societies our survival began to depend on knowledge which was passed down the generations. Consequently, we evolved to value the people that made up our communities and felt social rejection strongly because those that were shunned and ostracized from society ended up dying without its help.

Even today a supportive social network helps to mitigate stress. Indeed, people who learn to get along with others are likely to enjoy a greater quality of life overall. Nevertheless, other people can also be a source of irritation. They can be inconsiderate, selfish, ungrateful and capricious. In such cases it should be noted that human relations are malleable so that, with the right skills, there rules can be transformed so they provide optimal experiences. The stronger a relationship the less ill feeling; we then have to invest attention in the people we like most.

A person spends around a third of their waking time alone and yet many seek to escape solitude, finding it oppressive. The worse times are when we are alone and there is nothing needful. Solitude can be negative because keeping order in the mind, focusing within, is difficult. External goals and feedback keep attention directed and without them thoughts become chaotic and psychic entropy occurs. Negative thoughts begin to seep in when we have time to ourselves, when we become bored and depressed with nothing to do.  “When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago’.

The ultimate test for the ability to control the quality of experience is what a person does in solitude, with no external demands structuring attention. A person who is rarely bored, who does not require external conditions to be favourable to enjoy the moment, has the creative capacities to lead a fulfilling life. Most escape their minds through tv or recreational drugs and while both go some way toward ordering consciousness, we usually have little to show for it afterward. They are regressive in that they do not lead forward; they only dull the mind. Growth involves ordering the entropy of the mind so we can enjoy life. This means we take each challenge as an opportunity for learning and improving skills. When we are able to find the enjoyment that comes from increasing opportunities for action and call upon flow activities at will, regardless of what is happening externally, then we have learned how to shape our quality of life.

Solitude becomes enjoyable if one finds ways of ordering attention that will prevent entropy from destructuring the mind. The routines we create must focus our attention on manageable tasks as often as possible, so that we can have flow experiences. If psychic entropy is avoided by taking the mind off unpleasant thoughts and feelings this should mean doing more activities we can grow from, rather than mindlessly watching or taking something. If we see being alone as a chance to accomplish goals away from others, then instead of feeling lonely, we will enjoy solitude and use it to learn new skills.

Meaningful experiences in people’s lives are the result of family relationships. Familial loyalty is proportional to the amount of genes shared between two people. Attachment toward our relatives then ensures the genes own kind will be preserved. The bond between parent and child is also strong for this reason.

Family is the social environment we spend most of our lives in, so our quality of life depends on how well we succeed in making interactions with our relatives enjoyable. Indeed, the very people that bring us the most happiness can also cause us the most pain. Which way it will tip is decided by how much psychic energy is invested into the relationship, and the goals of family members. Relationships require a reordering of attention, a repositioning of goals to accommodate the loved one. If we are unwilling to change personal goals at the start of a relationship, we are likely to experience psychic entropy when it conflicts with what we would like to do. Succeeding relationally then necessitates revising our goals to suit the circumstances.

In the past, extrinsic reasons kept families intact because it was convenient for families to stay together in their traditional roles. Men were the workers who brought food to the home while their wives looked after the children in their absence. They depended on each other to fulfil their roles and even if the relationship was falling apart, these considerations kept it together. Today, intrinsic reasons such as enjoying each other’s company is what keeps families together.

While marriage is the end of freedom, it has a set of rules that make it game-like and receptive to flow. ‘To be completely free one must become a slave to a set of rules’. In our families there must be differentiation so that each individual develops their skills and sets their owns goals. Integration will mean each member helps the other to achieve these and is affected by each other’s successes and failures.

To improve relationships with family the challenges and skills must be increased. The more you know a person the more work that will need to be done to find new challenges. In romantic relationships after getting to know the person there is usually an end to learning, yet enjoyment and flow will only come about if there is continued interest in knowing about them in all their complexity, at deeper levels than when they met.

When a family has a common purpose and open communication, with expanding opportunities for action, life in it becomes an enjoyable flow activity. Each member will focus attention on the group, forgetting their own individual goals for the moment to experience the joy of belonging to a family that is aiming toward a unified goal.

We share common goals and activities with friends that we choose, so it is no surprise that friendships are naturally enjoyable. However, if a way of escaping solitude or validating ourselves they may give pleasure, but not growth. The company of others is at the lowest level a way to ward off chaos temporarily while at the highest it provides enjoyment and flow. In order to reach the complexity of the latter we must find new challenges and learn more about the people we spend our time with.

Instrumental skills are learned to help us cope effectively with the environment, they are basic survival skills such as reading and writing. People that have not learned to find flow in these see them as extrinsic because they are used for work that they see as a chore. Expressive skills, on the other hand, are actions that externalise our subjective experiences. These are such things as dancing, singing, even telling a joke. When we are expressing ourselves we feel like our true selves and it is with friends that we feel free to do so. While at work we may not see eye to eye with our colleagues, but with the people we choose to be around we can learn who we really are. This kind of friendship is achieved if we have people with similar aspirations around us, who hold us to task and share our goal of self-realisation. While younger such relationships happen spontaneously but as we get older they rarely happen by chance, we must cultivate them as much as our work and family.

A person is part of a family or friendship insofar as they invest psychic energy in goals shared with other people. In the same way, one can belong to the community by subscribing to its aspiration and trying to realise the common good. This means taking on higher challenges rather than aiming at material rewards, looking to the welfare of those around us. Of course, no social change can come about if the consciousness of the individual is not changed first. If we are to make life better for everyone we have to learn to control our own lives.

Cheating Chaos

It might be argued that only those with better material conditions are in a position to find enjoyment in their lives, that most do not have the time or money for flow activities. This is far from the truth. A person that is rich and healthy may or may not enjoy life. Conversely, people born into poverty manage to overcome adversity to live rewarding lives by creating order out of chaos. It is our subjective experience of material conditions that decides how they affect us. Without controlling psychic energy any material advantages would have little bearing. On the other hand, flow directly improves the quality of life.

It is possible to find flow in even the most difficult circumstances, enjoyment can be had in any situation. People that fall terminally ill are struck by their misfortune to find purpose in their lives because everything inessential falls away when it is a matter of life and death – their purpose becomes clear to them. Likewise, those with disabilities find ways to overcome their limitations to enjoy life by creating goals that make their day more fulfilling, they get more done because their situation leads them to reassess what matters most and they fill their time with what will help them achieve it. Even those living on the streets can turn dire living conditions into a meaningful, enjoyable existence. Some refugees have travelled throughout war-torn cities across the world to get where they are and in that time their attention was always occupied because they relied upon themselves. They knew what their goal was and when they arrive at their destination they try to enjoy each moment, focusing on controlling consciousness so they recognise that where they find themselves is amenable to their view of it in the same way that the places they passed through were seen as bearable while staying there.

People cope with stress differently because of three factors. External support allows people to share their burden with others, or lessen it by asking for help. Our psychological resources, intelligence, knowledge and personality will also determine much of our response to stress as those that are extroverted, for example, will be less likely to have problems dealing with others. The last factor is the coping strategies we use against stressors. Of these the one most in our control is the latter because any help will be useless if we do nothing ourselves and our personality traits will not change overnight.

Our coping strategy decides much of the effect adversity has on us. Accidents can lead to depression or they can set into perspective our central goal of life so that new, more clear and urgent goals are created to overcome the challenges faced. Even meditating on death will remind us to focus on what will move us forward so that we have clarity in regard what we would like to achieve in life.

Generally, a positive response to stress, what psychologists call a ‘mature response’ means thinking calmly about our adversity and finding a way though the struggle. A negative response, called a ‘regressive response’, would mean escaping consciousness and drinking or doing whatever else keeps our minds off the challenges we face. ‘Transformational coping’ is then about seeing stress as the ‘challenge response’, so that we can turn our adversity into enjoyable challenges. Indeed, no ability would be better for improving the quality of our lives. Resilience and courage will help us to make something good of misfortune, to overcome hardships by creating order out of chaos. However, both are rare and their development is elusive.

We know from nature that chaos can be changed into a more structured order as plants use the waste energy emitted by the sun in the form of light to thrive and grow. Energy is extracted out of entropy as the sun’s rays would otherwise be a useless by-product of its combustion. These ‘dissipative structures’ capture chaos and shape it into a more complex order. Humans have managed to use waste energy like fire for our purposes.

Psychological processes work in a similar way. The integrity of the self depends on turning neutral and negative events into positive ones. Yet, because there are always going to be events that conflict with our goals, and this negative feedback leads to disorder in the mind which prevents us from concentrating on necessary goals, virtues such as resilience, courage and perseverance are ever more important. The dissipative structures of the mind mean that negative events can be neutralised and used as challenges to strengthen the self by making it more complex.

The peak in the development of coping skills comes when the person has a strong sense of self forged through personally selected goals which means no external disappointment can undermine them. Many people find this source of strength by focusing on mastering a system of symbols such as music, art or maths and finding flow in the process of learning.

Therefore, while some are weakened by stress, others get stronger. The difference is that the latter knows how to transform a hopeless situation into a flow activity that can be controlled so they can enjoy themselves and emerge stronger from the struggle. There are three steps for such a transformation.

Unselfconscious self-assurance

The belief that your destiny is in your hands, that you can determine your fate with what you have, helps one to survive ordeals. Self-assurance must be balanced with the environment so that our goals have to be adjusted to it. This means leaving aside our egos, trusting ourselves and our place in our surroundings. Only after we do so can we achieve our goals effectively.

Focusing attention on the world

To notice the environment, we have to stop paying attention to ourselves, using up psychic energy on our ego. Those who transform stress into meaningful challenges spend very little time thinking about themselves. Instead their attention is focused on their surroundings and this allows them to feel a part of it to so that they can adapt in order to achieve their goals. Feeling this unity with the environment not only leads to enjoyable flow experiences, it also allows us to conquer adversity. In the first instance, focus is away from the self so psychic entropy cannot disrupt consciousness because instead of paying attention to internal disorder we are absorbed by what is going on around us and stress is offset. When we draw attention inward toward psychic entropy in a threatening situation we weaken our ability to cope because the feeling of inner turmoil is focused on and augmented, while we cut ourselves off from the rest of the world.

Discovery of new solutions

There are two ways to cope with a situation that creates psychic entropy. The first is to focus attention on the obstacles in the way of our goals so they can be moved, restoring harmony to consciousness. The second is to focus on the entire situation, looking for alternative possibilities and solutions. We have to consider our overall goal and be ready to take on unexpected opportunities if they help us to achieve it.

‘Autotelic’ Self

Setting Goals

They sees threats as challenges and opportunities for action which will be enjoyable. They set their own goals by interpreting what happens to them and transforming potentially entropic experiences into flow. They set goals they have chosen that have clear feedback which can be used to modify them and they have a feeling of ownership of their decisions so they are more dedicated to achieving whatever task they set themselves.

Becoming immersed in the activity

They become absorbed in the activity and do everything they can to meet their goals. Of course, a goal that is beyond our capacity will waste psychic energy because we will stop paying attention if our attempts lead nowhere. Conversely, doubting our potential may lead us to set trivial goals and arrest our growth by remaining at the lowest level of complexity. A fine balance is needed between our skills and the opportunities for action.

Paying attention to what is happening

Concentration leads to involvement, but we must pay attention in the first instance. In any complex system, to stay involved in the flow activity we must continue investing psychic energy. Involvement pushes self-consciousness out of awareness and vice versa, so we can focus completely on the task at hand. Paying attention to our goals rather than ourselves leads to a paradoxical result, we emerge with greater complexity after our union with the symbolic system.

Learning to enjoy immediate experience

Being in control of the mind means what happens to us can always be interpreted as a source of joy. Naturally, such control requires discipline and determination, the stretching of our capacities and an increasingly complex self. One must become more than they are by developing skills and growing. Once we control moment by moment consciousness in order to attain optimal experience we must find meaning in what we do so our whole life can become a single flow activity, with unified goals that provide constant purpose.

The Making of Meaning

Most of us go back to normal the moment after finishing something we enjoyed, become bored as soon as an activity we find flow in ends, however long we were engaged in it. Those of us who enjoy our relationships and work, who see each challenge as an opportunity for growth, would be getting more out of life than most but this would not be sufficient for optimal experience. To achieve it the activities we find enjoyment in cannot be linked haphazardly, they must follow on from each other coherently. Our lives must then become a unified flow experience in which each enjoyable activity flows into the next.

In order for this to be possible there must be an ultimate goal from which all other goals naturally follow. By investing all our energy into it and developing the skills necessary to achieve it our actions and feelings come together, and each part of our lives will make sense given our overall aim. Every activity that we enjoy will contribute to our moving closer to the ultimate goal as we become more complex. This ultimate goal can be anything that is difficult enough to require the organisation of our attention and lives. In my own case, it is to self-actualise and fulfil my potential. Naturally, this means a great number of different flow activities will be useful to me. Anything that can help me to improve a skill will be worth exploring and will have meaning insofar as it makes me a better man than I was yesterday.

Of course, life itself is objectively meaningless, there is no supreme goal built into the fabric of nature. Rather, there are impersonal forces which are indifferent to us, chance and chaos reign. However, while there is no goal valid for each individual the objective meaning of life is a different matter. The fact that life has no meaning does not mean it cannot be given one, we can find our own reasons for living. Our ultimate goal need only be compelling enough to order our psychic energy for a lifetime.

A last step in control of consciousness is needed for achieving optimal experience, namely, finding meaning in our own lives. Creating meaning involves bringing order to our minds by integrating our actions into a unified flow experience. There are different senses of ‘meaning’, purpose, intentionality and ordering information. The first regards the purpose of something, for example, the meaning of life. This will mean finding an ultimate goal we can direct all our energy toward achieving, one that has significance for us. The second concerns the intentions we have, what we ‘mean’ to do, and suggests our purposes are betrayed in our actions. Consequently, it is not enough to have a purpose in life that unifies all our goals, we must also carry through and meet the challenges it presents. The third involves ordering information and points to the identity different words have which in turn allows us to establish connections between them so that they express something. In our case, the information to be ordered are the contents of our minds, the thoughts and feelings have to be congruent for our actions to flow and for there to be no doubt or regret preventing our work.

When an ultimate goal is pursued with resolution, all activities will seamlessly blend into a unified flow experience, and there will be harmony in consciousness. That is, once we have a purpose which we feel is important and resolve to achieve it at any cost, doing all we can, there will be inner harmony. This is because there is no longer any contradiction, when we desire something our actions show that. There is inner congruence because our thoughts, feelings and actions all follow on from each other, being directed by the ultimate goal we feel compelled to pursue. Purpose, resolution and harmony then unify life by making it a seamless flow experience.

A unifying purpose justifies what we do every day because all the lesser goals we strive to achieve depend on this ultimate goal. Even as we enjoy doing these activities, we are moving closer to meaning in our lives. Different cultures in the past prized contrasting ultimate goals and ordered actions accordingly: sensate cultures focused on material conditions and satisfying the senses through pleasure while ideational cultures were more concerned with non-material and spiritual ends. Idealistic cultures bring the strengths of both together. While our culture is sensate in character, the best way to unify life into an all-embracing flow activity is through the idealistic mode. This means setting challenges to improve material conditions and pursuing spiritual ends, taking care of the body, mind and spirit through exercise, reading and meditation.

The complexity of the challenges is as important as their content in regard ordering actions – how differentiated and integrated the goals we pursue are decides how much we develop our control of consciousness.  A person develops complexity across four stages. In the first their only concern is the preservation of life, survival is all that matters to them and there is no space for anything beyond that consideration. Having met this need, the second stage involves integrating with family and the community, conforming in some measure with societal norms while doing so. The third stage comes when a person has found acceptance within society and takes a step back to develop themselves through exploring their potential. Reflective individualism then means differentiation as the person finds authority within the self and is no longer blindly conforming, but develops an autonomous conscience. Their focus is improvement and growth, becoming the best they can be. This means they experiment with different skills and activities, that enjoyment becomes their source of reward. The final stage is achieved when an individualised person integrates fully into society. Universal values are of great interest and they merge with the whole to improve the lives of others.

There is then a tension between differentiation and integration as our complexity increases and we learn to control consciousness. Consequently, we must invest energy into our own individuality, into developing the skills we were born with and exploring our potential. Alongside this self-reliance and an understanding of our uniqueness we have to think about the role we play in the world at large and immerse ourselves in it.  

Purpose gives direction to our efforts but it does not make life easy. Goals can be demanding and we may be tempted to give them up so that we can stay comfortable. However, such a life would be empty and devoid of meaning as every obstacle we avoid is a chance for growth which we forfeit. Each goal prescribes a set of consequences and if we fail to take these seriously, it loses meaning. In each flow activity there is a mutual relationship between goals and the effort they require. Goals justify the effort they demand at the beginning but later it is the effort that we put in to achieve it that justifies the goal.

Of course, because there are so many options many have uncertainty about their purpose, which lowers their resolution because they are unsure what to put their effort into. This begs the question of how to invest psychic energy. The best way to decide is to gain self-knowledge by following the Delphic oracle’s prescription to ‘know thyself’. Inner conflict results from competing claims on attention, so we have to tease out which ones should have sway and represent our desires best, which to ignore.

There are two ways of accomplishing this; the vita activa, a life of action, and vita contemplativa, the path of reflection. In a vita activa a person achieves flow through total involvement in external challenges. They begin to act with the unselfconscious spontaneity of children and if the activity is challenging enough they will be unlikely to notice the entropy of ordinary life. However, they may find that their options are limited, that the goals that sustained action before do not themselves give meaning to their life. This is why many go through mid-life crises, those that have sought money and power and have found it come to realise they have no plan for their use. As a result, vita contemplativa is the best course as reflection upon experience allows us to weigh up our options and their consequences so we can make the most informed choice. We can decide whether what we are going to do is consistent with our long term goals. Nevertheless, on their own action is blind and reflection is impotent. Both need to complement and build on each other so that we ask ourselves ‘Is this something I want to do, do I really enjoy it?’ before committing ourselves to action. Of course, this means being honest with ourselves and making a habit of reflecting on our experience.

Once we have found the activities we truly like to extend flow to last throughout life we must have the courage to stay with our goals despite opposition. We will then be so focused on them we cannot be made unhappy by the difficulty of the uncomfortable life we chose for our own development, to grow out of our comfort zone constantly. As ever: ‘Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a hard one’. Once we invest our energy in a goal that is so persuasive that even when we are tired we continue to pursue it we will feel a sense of harmony as every thought and feeling will be directed to the achievement of our ultimate goal.

The emergence of consciousness has meant an increase in psychic entropy because it is no longer only what is that matters to us, what could be is never far from our minds. Animals only concern themselves with their immediate needs, hunting for food or fighting to protect themselves, and revert back to a calmer state right after. They are in flow most of the time because what they think they need to do is done presently. The human mind has evolved its power to handle information so that inner conflict has become inevitable. There are many options left to us and the more we know, the less likely it is that we enjoy ourselves in this moment. The increase in our complexity means a range of different values, beliefs and choices obscure the clarity we might have had as early humans when few choices meant flow could be experienced spontaneously. However, a complex consciousness cannot give order to the mind through innocence, through not knowing what options it has. 

Instead, the challenge is to create harmony in consciousness based on reason and choice. An individual’s life is given shape and meaning by a set of goals linked to an ultimate goal that gives significance to whatever a person does. A life theme identifies what will make existence enjoyable. Everything that happens will have a meaning because it will either be a step toward or away from that goal, which we have clear feedback to gauge our progress with.  Our thoughts and actions are tied with a common purpose, what needs to be done is clear and whatever we do toward this end will make sense.

When our psychic energy merges into a life theme, consciousness achieves harmony. However, some life themes are more productive than others. Existential philosophers distinguish between authentic and inauthentic projects. In authentic projects a person realises that they are free to choose, that no one is coming to save them. They make a personal decision based on their experience, so that their choice is an expression of what they feel and believe. Inauthentic projects involve doing what everyone else is doing, what we think we have to do to be accepted in wider society. As such, authentic projects are intrinsically motivated while inauthentic ones are extrinsically motivated.

This distinction is similar to the one between discovered life themes, when a person writes the script for their own life through personal choice, and accepted life themes, when they follow a script written in the past by others. The latter works only if the social system is sound, if not, they lead to corrupt goals. The former are products of a personal struggle to find meaning in life. They usually involve suffering which is interpreted in a way that is conducive to negentropic life themes. That is, to find purpose in our suffering we must see it as a possible challenge for which we need to develop the appropriate skills. Dissipative structures transform the consequences of negative events into a challenge that gives meaning to life by giving us the ability to draw order from disorder.  A complex negentropic life theme is also formulated as a response to the problems faced by others, not just us, so that any solutions brings harmony to the lives of many.

That people have a choice when interpreting suffering suggests that a constructive response is more normal than a neurotic response, that the latter is a failure to rise to the challenge. External disorder can lead to internal meaning if one takes the wealth of information amassed by those who came before us to bring harmony to chaos, their philosophy, literature and music will help us avoid disorder and create meaning in our own lives.  We can take their prescriptions for living and build on them to develop our own set of goals which will help us to find purpose.

The past can serve as a model for our own behaviour. Literature itself contains examples of lives successfully organised around meaningful goals and we can draw hope from the knowledge that others have faced similar problems before us and have overcome them. Dante’s ‘Divine Comedy’ deals with mid-life crises and their resolution: ‘In the middle of the journey of my life I found myself in a dark forest, for the right way I had completely lost’. In order to escape the dark forest he must go through hell. As he does, he comes to see all the suffering of those who never chose a goal, and the sinners whose purpose in life had been to increase entropy.

Evolution itself can help us to understand why we are the way we are, the origins of our instinctual urges, social controls and cultural influences. Once we comprehend the implications these had on the formation of consciousness, we will find it easier to direct our energies to where they ought to go. Over time, we have come to differentiate as individuals but we will only become complex if we integrate into society without losing our authenticity. Taking a wider scope, it is humbling to recognise that the universe is indifferent to us, that our desires and wants have no bearing on the laws of nature. By considering the power of the human will, accepting a cooperative rather than a ruling role in the universe, the problem of meaning will be resolved as the individual’s purpose will merge with the universal flow.